Taylor
November 8, 2002 Dear Mrs. Lois, I am 9 years old. I like to tap dance and play four square. But I love to cheer lead. I would like to have a book about tap dance.
Your Friend,
Hi Taylor, Wow! Tap dancing sounds like fun! I wish I could tap dance. I think that must take a lot of talent. I would love to see you tap dance! I don't know the game Four Square. Are you a cheerleader? Is that something you hope to do one day? I like to watch cheerleaders in their colorful outfits. They light up the fields at every game! I will enjoy reading a story about tap dance. It will help me learn more about it, and I bet most of the people who read your story will feel that way, too. I'm glad you are writing about something you love to do. It will make your story an extra-fine story, because you will know just what you are talking about. I will be waiting to hear from you again, and to find out more about your story. I bet you will be thinking about your main character and what will happen in your story!
Warmest Wishes,
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 15:25:35 -0500 Hi Taylor Thank you for showing me your story map! You have a great start with good ideas in your story map. Here are some of my thoughts: Setting- You have written two settings. One is the gym, and one is a sports field at night. Will your story move from one setting to the other? I noticed you have two story topics; tap dance, and cheerleading. It will be hard to have two ideas in one story. You may have to choose one, or the other, unless you have a great idea about how to put them both together in one story? Characters - I am glad you choose to have four characters in your story. It's good to have a variety of characters, but not too many. Too many can be hard to manage so that we can get to know each one in the story. Problem or Conflict - I see you have not come up with a problem yet. It's always good to start your story with a problem or conflict. That gives you something to work on solving during the story. Maybe your problem can have something to do with a tap dance or cheerleading competition? Maybe the girls on the team are not getting along with each other? Or maybe someone has lost something in the gym, or on the field. Or, during a competition, someone on the team has gotten lost? I bet you can come up with an even better idea for a problem! Possible Solution- You will need a solution to the problem in your story. Ending - The end of your story should solve your problem or resolve your conflict. I know that it is sometimes hard to come up with new ideas. It helps me to do two things. The first thing I like to do is to close my eyes and imagine that I am the character, I am in the setting, and I try to imagine what happens in the story. Sometimes a story unfolds in my mind. It's like magic! The second thing I like to do is to play the "What if?" game. In the "What if?" game I think of lots and lots of things that could happen in the story and I ask myself, "What if this happened, where would my story go?" Then I ask myself "What if this happened instead?" And I think about something else that could happen and where it would make my story go, until I find the idea that makes the best possible story. Use your imagination and you will come up with more good ideas for your story. I'll be waiting to hear from you and to find out where your story will go!
Your Friend,
Cheerleading
I have been cheering for three years now. My friends and I enjoy cheering. We make new cheers every week. Our best cheers are rock steady and dynamite. When we do rock steady we are lined up in straightt line. We go from left to right while saying the cheer. Dynamite is similar to rock steady but you do not stand in a straight line; you are separated. It all happened in 2001 on a Monday night in the cheerleading field during the summer. We were on in 5 minutes for the competition. The cheer we were going to do was rock steady. But then it happened our co- captain Taylor was not with us. She was missing. We looked everywhere but we could not find her. Emily said, "Maybe she got stolen." Chelsea said, "She might have run into something and passed out." Paige said, "You know she could have broken something and someone could have pickecd her up and taken her to the hospital. We only had one more minute to find her. But we had just got called up by the man who said next up the bobcats. We all said, "Oh no, what are we going to do?" We had to start the cheer. But then we saw her running across the field. We asked her what she was doing. She said. "I was getting a hot dog at the concession stand but the ladies ran out and had to cook more. I am sorry I am late." So we asked her if she still wanted to do the cheer and she said yes. And then we restarted the cheer. When we were finished the cheer the judges had decided. And as soon as they said the winner of the 2001 cheer competition are the bobcats we all jumped up and got a huge trophy.
Hi Taylor, Thank you for sending your story for me to read. I had a good time getting to know you and your friends, and learning about some of the cheers you do. I bet it was scary when Taylor was missing! I have some ideas to make your story even better! I would like it if you started your story with the third paragraph. You can put the details from the first two paragraphs in as you go along, but it is best to start with a problem. Then your reader is interested right away and wondering what will happen next! I like the way you said, "It all happened in 2001 on a Monday night in the cheerleading field." I know the setting right away and that gives me a picture in my mind. Then you go right into the problem. Taylor is missing and it's almost time to do the cheer! That's a good problem to start with! I had some questions: What is your name in the story? You are telling the story as the main character, and as if you are there when Taylor goes missing, so you will have to have be someone else! How did you feel when Taylor was missing? Did you worry about doing the cheer without her? Did you worry that she really got hurt, like Paige said, or stolen, like Chelsea said? Did your stomach start to hurt, or did you get nervous? Did you feel like you might cry? How did you feel when Taylor finally showed up on time? I bet that was a big relief! Was the team angry at Taylor, or did they all laugh together at the end of the story and say, "Phew, that was a close one!"? If you write how you and your friends feel, or what you are thinking about when Taylor is missing, and also when she shows up in time to cheer, it will make the story seem real. Don't forget to start a new paragraph each time someone new in the story speaks. Paragraphs help break up the story, and that makes it smoother to read. I can't wait to read your story again. Write back soon!
Your Friend,
Hi Mrs. Szymanski, Here is my story again. Taylor
Cheerleading
It all happened in 2001 on a Monday night in the cheerleading field during the summer. Many people gathered at the field to watch the competition. There was a concession stand that sold hot dogs and drinks. We were on in 5 minutes for the competition. The cheer we were going to do was called “Rock Steady.” But then it happened our co- captain, Paige, was not with us. She was missing. I felt scared because we had practiced so hard and we couldn’t do the cheer without her. I have been cheering for three years now. My friends, Paige, Emily and Chelsea, and I enjoy cheering. We make new cheers every week. Our best cheers are “Rock Steady” and “Dynamite.” When we do rock steady we are lined up in a straight line. We go from left to right while saying the cheer. Dynamite is similar to Rock Steady but you do not stand in a straight line; you are separated.We were really hoping that we would win. Emily and Chelsea felt disappointed, too. We looked everywhere but we could not find her. Emily said, “Maybe she got nervous and hid behind the stand to practice.’’ Chelsea said, “ “You know, she could have broken something and someone could have picked her up and taken her to the hospital,” I said. We only had one more minute to find her. Just then we got called up by the man who said, “Next up the Bobcats!” We all said, “Oh no, what are we going to do?” We had to start the cheer. But then we saw her running across the field. We asked her what she was doing. She said. “I was getting a hot dog at the concession stand but the ladies ran out and had to cook more. I am sorry I am late.” So we asked her if she still wanted to do the cheer and she said she did. It was our turn to show the judges our best cheer. Every thing went smoothly as we were doing the cheer. When we were finished the cheer the judges had decided. As soon as they said, “The winner of the 2001 cheer competition are the Bobcats!” we all jumped up and cheered. We walked proudly to the middle of the field to get our huge trophies. We celebrated by going to Paige’s house where we ate ice cream and had a victory party.
Hi Taylor, I had a good time reading your rewrite! I liked the way you started your story, too. The reader can tell right away where you are and what is going on around you. We know you are waiting for a competition and you only have five minutes to go, and worse of all, Paige is missing! That's a good way to start a story! I wondered if you moved the line about the concession stand down to the third paragraph, if it might work better? I think you could put it right after, "We looked everywhere, but we could not find her." Then, when you look around for her, you will see the concession stand and the crowds around it. Maybe you could even search the crowds for Paige's face, or pink jacket, or uniform. Be careful about your speakers. In that third paragraph it is hard to tell who is speaking. You can make this easier to understand by making a different paragraph each time someone new speaks. It felt so good when you saw Paige "running across the field." I bet your heart did a double-flip with relief! Then you got to do the cheer you had practiced and you won, which made the ending great. I liked the line, "We walked proudly to the middle of the field to get our huge trophies." And ice cream made the ending even more delicious! Your story started with a problem, and ended with the problem solved. That's how a good story works. Good for you for doing such a wonderful rewrite! You just have a few things left to fix, and your story will be finished. Keep up the good work!
Your friend,
Cheerleading - Just In Time
It all happened in the summer of 2001 on a Monday night in the cheerleading field. Many people gathered at the field to watch the cheerleading competition. We were on in 5 minutes for the competition. The cheer we were going to do was called “Rock Steady.” When it was our turn our co- captain, Paige, was not with us. She was missing. I felt scared because we had practiced so hard and we couldn’t do the cheer without her. I have been cheering for three years now. My friends, Paige, Emily and Chelsea, and I enjoy cheering. We make new cheers every week. Our best cheers are “Rock Steady” and “Dynamite.” When we do Rock Steady we are lined up in a straight line. We go from left to right while saying the cheer. Dynamite is similar to Rock Steady but you do not stand in a straight line; you are separated.We were really hoping that we would win. Emily and Chelsea felt disappointed, too. Where could Paige be? We looked everywhere but we could not find her. We looked in the crowds for her pink uniform but we could not find her. There was a concession stand that sold hot dogs and drinks. Maybe she’s there? Emily said, “Maybe she got nervous and hid behind the stand to practice.’’ Chelsea said, “You know, she could have broken something and someone could have picked her up and taken her to the hospital.” I said, “Maybe she ran home to get something she left there.” We only had one more minute to find her. Just then we got called up by the man who said, “Next up the Bobcats!” We all said, “Oh no! what are we going to do?” We had to start the cheer. But then we saw her running across the field. We asked her where she had been. She said. “I was getting a hot dog at the concession stand but the ladies ran out and had to cook more. I am sorry I am late.” So we asked her if she still wanted to do the cheer and she said she did. It was our turn to show the judges our best cheer. Every thing went smoothly as we were doing the cheer. When we were finished the cheer the judges made their decision. The announcer said, “The winner of the 2001 cheerleading competition are the Bobcats!” We all jumped up and cheered. We walked proudly to the middle of the field to get our huge trophies. We celebrated by going to Paige’s house where we ate ice cream and had a victory party.
Hi Taylor, You did a wonderful job on your rewrite. I was prepared to ask you for many changes, but could only find a few picky things in the entire story! I loved the way you looked at the concession stand and wondered, "Maybe she's there?" I also liked it when you said, "Maybe she got nervous and hid behind the stands to practice." That is something that she really could have done, so it works well in your story. Your writing is smooth and the story flows well. I am impressed! I have just two tiny suggestions. In paragraph seven, where you say "Next up the Bobcats!" you should add a comma after the words "Next up,". In that same paragraph, you might want to drop the word "So" and just say, "We asked her if she still wanted to do the cheer, and she said she did." The word "So" is unnecessary and it sounds smoother to drop it. As I read through the story, and looked back to when you first started writing to me, I realized how much work you have done. Your writing is great, you concluded your story by solving the problem in the beginning, and you had a happy ending. You did what you set out to do in this story and it turned out beautifully! Congratulations on a great job, Taylor! I am looking forward to meeting you in June!
Warmest Wishes from Your Friend, |
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Date: Fri, 08 Nov 2002 13:05:37 -0500