Raven
November 8,2002 Dear Mrs. Szymanski, I like basketball and football. I am 10 years old. My career is to be a basketball player when I grow up. I would want the story to be about football and basketball because I like to play ruff.
Your new friend,
Hi Raven, It's good to hear from you! Raven is such a pretty name! It sounds like you like sports a lot. I like to watch basektball and football, but I am not very good at playing! A career in sports would be fun, though. It is good that you plan to write about something you care about. Whenever you write about something you know and love, you write from your heart, and that makes a good story. Writing is a lot of work, but it can be exciting, too. I know we will have a good time! First, you get to come up with an idea, then you can use your imagination and your experience in sports to make it into the best story you can tell. After you write a story the first time, you sometimes have to work at it to make it the best. But even work can be fun, when you are watching a story get better and better. Sometimes I rewrite a story a 10 or 12 times before I think it is good enough! I will be waiting to hear from you again. I know you will be thinking about what your character will do in the story you write!
Warmest Wishes,
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 15:25:35 -0500 Hi Raven, Thank you for showing me your story map! Here are some of my thoughts and ideas: Setting- You've listed two settings, a basketball gym, and a football field on a summer night. Will your story move from one setting to the other during the story? I also noticed that you have two story topics; basketball, and football. It will be hard to have two ideas in one story, even though they are both sports. You may have to choose one, or the other, unless you have an idea about how to put them both together in one story?
You have a good start. Now you'll have to think about which idea to use, and what your characters will do to help them score points, and maybe even win the game. I know it can be hard to come up with new ideas. It helps me to do two things. The first thing I like to do is to close my eyes and imagine that I am the character, I am in the setting, and I try to imagine what happens in the story. Sometimes a story unfolds in my mind and I can see the characters playing the game! It's like seeing a movie. The second thing I like to do is to play the "What if?" game. In the "What if?" game I think of lots and lots of things that could happen in the story and I ask myself, "What if this happened, where would my story go?" Then I ask myself "What if this happened instead?" And I think about something else that could happen and where it would make my story go, until I find the idea that makes my story work. I'll be waiting to see what you come up with next!
Your Friend,
Basketball
I like playing basketball with my cousins. We play almost every day. We play at the old Salvation Army's gym in the summer at night. We have a really great team called the Jamaican Lakers. Jamaican Lakers are from Jamaica. We win a lot of games because we have good defense. The people that are on my team are Thomas, Jock, Paris, Mel and me. One night last summer we were playing against the Grizzlies.This team lives across town. Montraye and Montaye are the good players on the Grizzlies team. At the end of the third quarter the Jamaican's score was 88 the Grizzlies score was 85. Now its tied up because Montaye shot a three pointer. Jock got the ball and made a slam dunk for our team. The Jamaican Laker's score was 90. The Grizzlies score was 88. Than the Grizzlies scored at the field gold and an there score is 90. The score kept getting tied up. The best players were Thomas and I. The other team got the ball and almost made a shot but I stole the ball from the person who had the ball. I passed the ball to Paris and he made a three pointer.The other team made a shot at the field goal. It was our ball and Mel made a shot. Then it was the other team's ball and I tried to take the ball but I couldn't take it because he passed the ball to somebody on his team. The coach called time out and made a new strategy. I scored a three pointer and the game wasn't tied anymore. The team that won was the Jamaican Lakers.
Hi Raven, I enjoyed reading your story about basketball. It looks like you really enjoy basketball! Your story answers all of the important questions of, Who, What, Where and Why. I was happy to see that you didn't miss any of these important parts. Some of the people reading this story might not know much about basketball. For them, it would be great if you could describe your setting more.
I have a few more questions. Here they are:
Answering some of the above questions, and adding it to your story could help you add more excitement and make the reader feel like he or she is there, watching the game, feeling what you are feeling! I bet that was an exciting game. I want to know what it looked like, and how it felt to you and the other players to play in such an exciting game! I can't wait to hear what happens when you add some more description to your story! I will be waiting to hear from you.
Your Friend,
Hi Mrs. Szymanski,
I hope you like my work.
Basketball
I like playing basketball with my cousins. We play almost every day. We play outside at a park in the summer at night. We have a really great team called the Jamaican Lakers. Jamaican Lakers are from Jamaica. We win a lot of games because we have good defense. The people that are on my team are Thomas, Jock, Paris, Mel and me. We sit proudly on the bench that the park provides for players. One night last summer as we got ready for our game it looked like it was going to rain. Dark clouds were in the sky. The leaves on the trees were thirsty and turned up to get their drink. We didn’t want it to rain because we had practiced hard for this game. We were playing against the Grizzlies.This team lives across town. Montraye and Montaye are the good players on the Grizzlies team. At the end of the third quarter the Jamaican’s score was 88 the Grizzlies score was 85. Then the score was tied up because Montaye shot a three pointer. My team didn’t get discouraged. We tried harder to win. Jock got the ball and made a slam dunk for our team. The Jamaican Laker’s score was then 90. The Grizzlies score was 88. Then the Grizzlies scored from the foul line and their score was 90. What an exciting game! The score kept getting tied up. Both sides were cheering and the fans were going wild. The score was tied and we had to break it. The best players on the Jamaican’s team were Thomas and I. The other team got the ball and almost made a shot but I got the ball from the person who had the ball. I slapped it out of his hand and I passed the ball to Paris who made a three pointer. The other team made a shot at the field goal. It was our ball and Mel made a shot. Then it was the other team’s ball and I tried to take the ball but I couldn’t take it because he passed the ball to somebody on his team. The coach called time out and made a new strategy. I scored a three pointer and the game wasn’t tied anymore. We won!!! The Jamaican Lakers were number one! The rest of the team held me and Thomas up in the air. We felt like heroes.We went to Pizza Hut to celebrate.
Hi Raven, You have worked hard on your story and it shows! I enjoyed reading your rewrite. You have a good introduction, telling a little about yourself and your friends. I especially liked the line "We sit proudly on the bench that the park provides for players." That line lets readers know how much the game means to you, and it gives us a feel for who you are. I like that a lot! Your second paragraph was perfect. What a wonderful description of the summer night. I could picture the dark sky and the leaves turning over, and I knew how you must feel, hoping your game would not be cancelled. This made me feel a little nervous about the game, and that added nicely to the suspense. You also did a great job of continuing to describe things in the next paragraph. I could almost hear both sides cheering wildly! I liked your description of the game, too. You used words that let us know the emotion in every play. I especially liked "I slapped it out of his hand…" It showed how hard you were playing, and playing to win. The end of your story is very good. I love a happy ending! I would suggest you make the very end another paragraph, though. This would separate your conclusion from the game. Maybe you could start your last paragraph with you being hoisted into the air by the other players. How did it feel, when they grabbed you? Did you know they were going to carry you? Could you say, "I felt the rest of the team pick me up" or something like that. I liked it that you both "felt like heroes!" At the beginning I was worried about the rain. After the clouds had darkened and the sky started looking like rain, you were lucky to get through the whole game. Your conclusion should include a line about how lucky you were that it did not rain on your wonderful game. And you got pizza, too! What a perfect way to end the night! I am proud of all your hard work on this story. You only have a few tiny things to do and you will be finished. Great job, Raven!
Your Friend,
Basketball
I like playing basketball with my cousins. We play almost every day. We play outside at a park in the summer at night. We have a really great team called the Jamaican Lakers. Jamaican Lakers are from Jamaica. We win a lot of games because we have good defense. The people that are on my team are Thomas, Jock, Paris, Mel and I. We sit proudly on the bench that the park provides for players. One night last summer as we got ready for our game it looked like it was going to rain. Dark clouds were in the sky. The leaves on the trees were thirsty and turned up to get their drink. We didn’t want it to rain because we had practiced hard for this game. We were playing against the Grizzlies. This team lives across town. Montraye and Montaye are the good players on the Grizzlies team. At the end of the third quarter the Jamaican’s score was 88 and the Grizzlies score was 85. Then the score was tied up because Montaye shot a three pointer. My team didn’t get discouraged. We tried harder to win. Jock got the ball and made a slam dunk for our team. The Jamaican Laker’s score was then 90. The Grizzlies score was 88. Then the Grizzlies scored from the foul line and their score was 90. What an exciting game! The score kept getting tied up. Both sides were cheering and the fans were going wild. The score was tied and we had to break it. The best players on the Jamaican’s team were Thomas and I. The other team got the ball and almost made a shot but I got the ball from the person who had the ball. I slapped it out of his hand and I passed the ball to Paris who made a three pointer. The other team made a shot at the field goal. It was our ball and Mel made a shot. Then it was the other team’s ball and I tried to take the ball but I couldn’t take it because the player passed the ball to somebody on his team. The coach called time out and made a new strategy. I scored a three pointer and the game wasn’t tied anymore. We won!!! The Jamaican Lakers were number one! The rest of the team held me and Thomas up in the air. We felt like heroes when they grabbed us and put us over their heads. We didn’t know that they were going to carry us. They made us feel like heroes. We were glad that it didn’t rain on our lucky game. We went to Pizza Hut to celebrate. Everybody bought pizza and we talked about the game and how we won it in the end. |
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Date: Fri, 08 Nov 2002 12:49:19 -0500