November 10, 2000
Hi Miss Lois,
I'm Patricia Stevenson I saw your story it looks good. How are you today I'm fine. I'm 9 years old . I like animals and people too. What do you like animals or people? You ought to come here because you sound nice.I hope you like me.I would like to write about a horse.
November 20, 2000
It was good to read your letter. I'm glad you saw my book and I hope you get to read it sometime. It sounds like we are a lot alike. I also like animals and people and like to write about horses! Did Miss Patty tell you that I have some ponies? We usually keep 3 ponies, but now we have 4 because our pony, Christa had a foal two weeks ago. I will send you a picture of our foal with this email!
Do you have a horse or pony? Have you ever ridden horses? Do you like to read about horses, or visit with horses? What kind of a horse story will you write? WIll it be funny, or serious, cute or scary? Will it be an adventure, or will it be a sad story? Will it be a mystery, or a simple touching tale? Will it be a true story, or one you make up? You have so many choices to make!
Have you thought about who your main character will be. That is, who will be the person in the story, or will there be only horses in the story? What will happen in your story? To help you decide, you can play the What-if Game. That's when you create lots of different ways the story can go by asking yourself, what if this happened, or what if that happened. Your story can go in many different directions, but which way it goes will depend on what you choose from your What-If game. Sometimes when I play the What If game in my head I laugh out loud at some of the ideas I find!
Whatever you do, have fun writing it. Writing stories can be a very exciting and fun thing to do! Good luck with yours! I can't wait to read your horse story. I know I will love it!
Thank you for sending me a picture of your horse. Your horse is nice. I like what you said to me. You're very nice. I like horses also but I never riden a horse. I don't have a horse but my mom use to have a horse. She rode the horse on her farm. She had other animals. Most of my family likes horses. I love horses. I want my family in my story. My mom had more than one horse. I like to read books about horses. My story is going to be true. Im going to ask my mom to help me get some ideas. The main characters are my mom and her horse.
from Patricia Stevenson
I'm glad you liked the picture. If you like, from time to time, as you work on your horse book, I will email you other horsey photos!
Asking your mom about her horse experiences is a good idea. When you talk to someone who has experience with what you will write about, that person is called a direct source. If you haven't ridden or spent time with horses, using your mom (or another direct source) is a great way to get stories, information and accurate facts.
I bet your mom could tell you lots of neat stories about when she had horses. Using your family as the characters in your story will make it very realistic, and easier to write. Your descriptions of the people you love will be right on target. People who read it will think your story sounds true, and that's a good thing!
What kind of horses did your mom have? What color? Were they for riding pleasure only, or did they show, race, pull carts, or were they used for lessons? I am already wondering so many things about your story and what you will share! Let me know as soon as you decide what your story will be about. I am excited about reading a true horse story about your mom and written by you!
Good luck with your first draft!
Dear Mrs. Lois
How are you. Im fine but guess what? I got sick because my brother give the sickness to me. I'm working on my story. At the bottem is my story so far. My setting for story is at my house. My main character is my mom. The setting is at my house. I hope you have fun looking at my story.
My mom was working very quietly when the phone rang. The nurse at the hospital emergency room called. She hurried to get to the hospital. When she got there she wanted to see what happened. The nurse said that her son, Lee, broke his leg. She said, "Where is he?" The nurse said, ''He's fine." "Where is he?" said my mom. Then we went home. We sat at the table. Then I told about the time when she broke her leg. She broke her leg on a horse. The horse tripped over a big rock. She told us, "When you go out wear safe clothes. But I was ok."
I am sorry to hear that you were sick. Too bad you caught it from your brother. I hope you are both better now!
I liked your story a lot! I especially liked the way you used description, so I could feel like I was there. When you said, "My mom was working quietly when the phone rang" I could just picture the scene. Sometimes it only takes one word to make the scene real!
I also liked that you told a good horse story. That's my favorite kind!
Most writers write a first draft, a basic story. Then they go back and add more details, new scenes and more information. When you do that your story becomes even better, more exciting, and more full. I think writing a second draft will make your story even more exciting!
Before you write your second draft, I wanted to tell you about a few picky things that will make your story stronger. Here they are:
You have two good plot lines in your story... the story of Lee, and the story of Mom. Make sure your hook them together so it seems like one big story, instead of two.
You made me want to go ride my horse, (very carefully of course!) I can't wait to see the second draft of your story!
All My Best Wishes!
Dear Mrs. Lois,
How are you. I'm fine so far. I hope you like my story and my title too. I did followed all of your steps. Thanks for telling me the steps. I have been working hard. I'm almost done.
THE LESSON WE LEARNED !!
My mom was working at her office very quietly when the phone rang. The nurse at the hospital emergency room called.
She said, "Mrs. Kelley, please come to the emergency room right away." Mom hurried to get to the hospital. The whole time she was driving she was wondering what happened. When she got there she wanted to see what happened.
She said, "Where is he?" The nurse said, "He's fine."
"Where is he?" said my mom. The nurse said that her son, Lee, had broken his leg while riding his bike. He was riding his bike near our house. A car by our house had stopped at the intersection and Lee thought he could go. Lee started to ride across the road and the car went at the same time.
The nurse said, "He is in room 123." The nurse took my mom to his room. When my mom saw Lee she cried and said,"Are you are you ok?" Lee told mom that his leg hurt but now that the cast is on he feels better. Then mom and Lee went home.
My brother Steven and I were outside playing when they got home. We waited a minute to go inside because we did not know if Lee's leg was hurting. We didn't want to bother him. When we walked in Mom and Lee were talking in the kitchen about what happened. We all sat at the table. Lee was with us and his leg was propped up. Mom began to tell us about the time when she broke her leg. She broke her leg on a horse. The horse she was riding tripped over a big rock. When mom fell off her horse she landed on her side and her leg got twisted. She was in a lot of pain!!
She told us, "When you go out, wear safe clothes. I hurt my leg when I fell but I had a helmet on so my head was ok." Mom said, "Always think about safety when you ride a horse or a bike. Wear some boots, gloves and helmet to be safe."
The next day when Lee woke up his leg was hurting very bad. Dad came over. Mom said, "He broke his leg."
Dad said, " Can I go see Lee?" Mom said, "Yes." My dad went upstairs to see Lee. Dad cried and said, "Are you ok? "Do you want anything?"
"What do you want"?
"I'm really hot and thirsty."
Dad said, "I will be right back." Dad went downstairs to get Lee somthing to drink. Dad said to Kelly, "I'm going to get Lee a drink." Dad went in the kitchen and got Lee some apple juice. Then dad went upstairs to Lee. Dad went to Lee's room. Dad brought the drink to Lee.
Lee said,"Thank you."
Dad said," You're welcome. You need some sleep because you look tired."
Lee said, "OK!!"
Wow! You have really worked hard on your story. I am amazed at how much work you have put into editing. You are right. You are almost finished!
I really like how you tell the story in order of how everything happened. Your description is so nice, too. I can close my eyes and feel the quiet surrounding your mom while she sits at her desk working in her office. And I know how that quiet must have been shattered by the upsetting phone call. You did a good job making me feel worried when the phone call came. There are so many good things in your story that I can't name them all. You've written a great "lesson story".
There are just a couple of things you could still edit if you wanted to make it even better. Here are a few of my picky suggestions:
Thank you for letting me read your story!
4/09 Dear Mrs.Lois,
How are you so far? Im fine today. I wanted to now if i am done now!! Mrs.Weeg made some web pages.I like what she did.I hope you enjoyed my book. Will I got to go bye!
THE LESSON WE LEARNED
My mom was working at her office very quietly when the phone rang. The nurse at the hospital emergency room called and said "Your son, Lee, has been hurt". She said, "Mrs. Kelley, please come to the emergency room right away.
Mom hurried to get to the hospital. The whole time she was driving she was wondering what happened. When she got there she wanted to see Leeand make sure he was OK.
She said, "Where is my son?" The nurse said, ''I know you are worried but your son will be fine."
"May I see him now?" asked my mom.The nurse said, "Yes, you may see him. He is in room 123." The nurse took my mom to his room. When my mom saw Lee she cried and said, ''Are you OK?"
Lee said, "Yes" I'm OK, mom. Don't worry. Mom was curious and wanted to know what happened. Lee told her the story.
"First, my friend, Allen, came over to our house and I asked him if I could ride his bike. He said I could, but he only wanted me to ride it around the block." That's all Lee could remember. I told mom the rest of the story when they got home from the hospital.
They drove home around 6:00. My brother Steven and I were outside playing when they got home. We waited a minute to go inside because we did not know if Lee's leg was hurting. We didn't want to bother him. When we walked in, Mom and Lee were talking in the kitchen about what happened. We all sat at the table. Lee was with us and his leg was propped up.
I continued the story. Allen told me that he watched as Lee rode the bike down the street. Lee seemed to be gone for a long time but Allen went inside our house and played Nintendo. He was waiting for Lee but he was enjoying the game and he forgot about Lee.
Allen and I went for a walk to the end of my street when we saw an ambulance and a police car. We saw Allen's bike! Steven was outside so I called him and told him to come quickly. By the time Steven, Allen and I got there they were putting Lee in the ambulance.
I finished telling the story when mom began to tell us about the time she broke her leg on a horse. The horse she was riding tripped over a big rock. When mom fell off her horse she landed on her side and her leg got twisted. She was in a lot of pain!!
She told us, "When you go out, wear safe clothes. I hurt my leg when I fell but I had a helmet on so my head was ok." Mom said, ''Always think about safety when you ride a horse or a bike. Wear some boots, gloves and helmet to be safe. "
You have done a great job your story! I am both so happy that I was able to watch your story grow through all the rewrites. I especially liked how you added the part where Lee tells Mom what happened. You made every- thing come together in a neat package. Super! Congratulations on finishing your story!
I am looking forward to seeing you in May!
P.S. Soon, I will send you a picture of the baby pony and you will see how much Twister has grown in the short time you were writing your story!
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April 9, 2001