Kasey

November 8, 2004

Dear Mrs. Szymanski,

My name is Kasey and I am 9 years old. I like monkeys, horses, and puppies. I like to play basketball with my cousin when we’re out of school. My topic for my story is about animals. A monkey and some puppies got on a horse.

Your friend,
Kasey

Mrs. Szymanski's reply

November 11, 2004

Hi Kasey,

I am happy to meet you! It sounds like you like animals a lot? What is your favorite animal? I like horses and cats.

I like to watch basketball, but I am not very good at playing sports. I bet you are good, though.

How do you like being in Ms. Weeg's class? She is so much fun to work with. By the end of this year you will have a beautiful story on the web. She knows a lot about writing, and about putting things on the web.

It sounds like you already have an idea of what your story will be about. Do you know what will happen when the monkey and the puppies get on the horse? Sometimes I play the What- if? game. I ask myself, what if this happened, where would my story go? Then I ask myself, what if this happened instead? YOu could ask yourself, What if the horse is afraid of the monkey? Or what if the monkey is afraid of being up high? There are so many what-if questions you could ask. I try to come up with a lot of ideas about what could happen, then pick the best one.

You might want to start thinking about who will be the other characters in your story? And what will your setting be? Will it be a school, in the city, in the country, or somewhere else all together?

I bet you are going to have a lot of fun writing your story! I know that I will have fun working with you this year. It will be fun to see what you write!

Warmest Wishes,
Lois Szymanski

P.S. I am sending you some cute pictures!

Kasey's storymap

Mrs. Szymanski wrote back

December 7, 2004
Dear Kasey,

What a wonderfully original story idea you have! Your story map looks great.

Your setting is a good one, and so is your problem. How will you get those animals to stay on the horses back?

I love your character's names. The names sound fun! Describe what each animal character looks like, and maybe even a bit about their personality. The reader will want to know why you love them so much.

The solution is a good one, too. Practice really does make perfect, or at least close to it! What will happen when you are having the practice sessions? I bet that could get funny, especially when the animals fall off. You could play the "What If" game to come up with ideas of what to put in the middle of the story, during the practice scenes. When I play the "What-If" game I ask myself lots of questions to figure out what would make the best story. I ask myself, What if this happened in the story, or what if that happened in the story, how would it make the story turn out? By doing that, you can come up with lots of ideas to make the practice scene funny, or frustrating, or interesting!

The ending is perfect! I can picture the audience clapping and you beaming with pride at Fudge, Squirt, Dips n Dots, Gabriella, and Lilly!

I can't wait to read what you write!

Your Friend,
:>)
Lois Szymanski

Kasey's first draft

I stood watching as they fell again and wondered, "Will they ever get this right?

It was a Saturday afternoon in October and it was very sunny outside. I was at my farm with my animals. I am training my pet horse, monkey and puppies for a circus act. I found a newspaper ad announcing the contest.

My puppies' names are Fudge, Squirt and Dip ‘n Dots. My monkey's name is Gabriella and my horse's name is Lilly. I'm training them to stay on the horse while she jumps over an obstacle of wood and dirt. It isn’t as easy as I thought it would be! The monkey and puppies keep falling off the horse. I walk beside them so they won't fall off and hurt themselves really bad.

We practiced over and over until we got it and finally they got it.

The animals wore costumes and we were great and everybody loved our act. We won the contest and we got a big trophy.

Mrs. Szymanski's reply

January 20, 2005

Hi Kasey,

Thank you for sending me your first draft. I like the way you opened your story! You opened in the middle of the problem and that's the best way to start a story. I wonder if you could start with the names, too. Maybe say, "First Dip and Dots fell. Then….."

A good rule to follow when you write a story is to show what is happening, instead of telling. It would be good to describe how the autumn sun felt on your face, or how it warmed you as you worked with your animals. Then you wouldn't have to tell us that it is sunny. The reader would feel like he is in the story, feeling the sun with you, the main character.

As the main character puts the animals up on Lilly's back, you could describe what they look like, or how they feel in your arms, or if they whimper, or lick you, or look at you, or look scared. Then the reader will be able to see the story in their mind.

I love the way you ended your story with a show and a trophy! Maybe you could describe how the animals looked in their costumes when you watched them in the show. In the end, you solved the problem that started your story. That is perfect!

I love your first draft. I can tell you worked very hard. I will be looking forward to reading your story as it grows.

Your Friend,
:>)
Lois Szymanski

Kasey's revised draft

I stood watching as Dip 'n Dots fell again and wondered, "Will they ever get this right?

The warm October sun felt good on my cheeks as I worked outside with my animals. A gentle breeze that Saturday afternoon kept us from getting hot while I trained my pet horse, monkey and puppies for a circus act. Last month I found a newspaper ad announcing a circus contest and decided to enter my animals for the contest.

My puppies' names are Fudge, Squirt and Dip 'n Dots. My monkey's name is Gabriella and my horse's name is Lilly. I'm training my puppies and the monkey to stay on the horse while she jumps over an obstacle of wood and dirt. It isn't as easy as I thought it would be! The monkey and puppies keep falling off the horse. I walk beside them so they won't fall off and hurt themselves really bad. I give them treats each time they get it right.

We practiced over and over again when we were at the farm. Fudge learned fast. He had no problems staying on Lilly's back. He really liked the treats. Squirt, Dip 'n dots and Gabriella took a little longer to learn.

It was Saturday and almost time for the contest. The animals wore special costumes and looked really cute. Lilly wore a purple and blue costume. Gabriella wore a pink and black costume and Fudge wore a green and black costume. The girls wore purple and pink costumes with ruffles that my mom made. They looked the same but were different sizes and had different colors.

We were nervous but we did a great job. We were great and everybody loved our act. The audience clapped and cheered. We won the contest and got a big trophy. Everyone loved the costumes my mom made. When we got home I gave each of my animals a treat. I got myself a snack, too. We were all tired but happy. The contest was great and worth all the hard work. I wish I could do it again.

Mrs. Szymanski's comments

April 19, 2005

Hi Kasey,

Thank you for sending me your latest draft. You have worked very hard and your story is looking great!

You have created a great first paragraph. I like the way you started right in the middle of the action! I also like how you let us know what you are thinking right away. It makes the reader know that you are working hard on something, practicing over and over. Wonderful lead!

You second paragraph has some good details. I like knowing that the sun is warm on your cheeks and the breeze is keeping the animals comfortable. You did a great job of letting us know what you are doing. I like the way you added information about the newspaper ad, too.

We learn exactly what you are doing in the third paragraph and you do a fantastic job of showing the reader how you use treats and keep them safe by walking beside them. I am so impressed with the way your story has grown.

In my head, I can picture the animals in their costumes. I can see them in the ring. Your description is very good. I also like that you are nervous. Maybe you could say that you are nervous, instead of we. It would be good to know exactly how you feel in this part.

In the last paragraph, be careful about repeating the same word. The word “great” is used three times. Maybe you could use another word in two of those spots?

Also in the last paragraph, when you say the audience clapped and cheered, could you make it so that you are hearing it and we know how you feel. Maybe something like, “I could hear ___________________ and I felt _______________________.

I love that you not only got the animals a treat, but also got yourself a snack. You have done a wonderful job on your story, Kasey. Three cheers for you!

Hugs from your friend,
:>)
Lois Szymanski

Kasey's revision

I stood watching as Dip 'n Dots fell again and wondered, "Will they ever get this right?

The warm October sun felt good on my cheeks as I worked outside with my animals. A gentle breeze that Saturday afternoon kept us from getting hot while I trained my pet horse, monkey and puppies for a circus act. Last month I found a newspaper ad announcing a circus contest and decided to enter my animals for the contest.

My puppies' names are Fudge, Squirt and Dip 'n Dots. My monkey's name is Gabriella and my horse's name is Lilly. I'm training my puppies and the monkey to stay on the horse while she jumps over an obstacle of wood and dirt. It isn't as easy as I thought it would be! The monkey and puppies keep falling off the horse. I walk beside them so they won't fall off and hurt themselves really bad. I give them treats each time they get it right.

We practiced over and over again when we were at the farm. Fudge learned fast because he wanted those treats. He had no problems staying on Lilly's back. He really liked the treats. Squirt, Dip 'n dots and Gabriella took a little longer to learn.

It was Saturday and almost time for the contest. The animals wore special costumes and looked really cute. Lilly wore a purple and blue costume. Gabriella wore a pink and black costume and Fudge wore a green and black costume. The girls wore purple and pink costumes with ruffles that my mom made. They looked the same but were different sizes and had different colors.

I was nervous but we did a great job. None of the animals fell off Lilly and everybody loved our act. I could hear the audience clapping and cheering. I felt so happy and proud of my animals. We won the contest and got a big trophy. Everyone loved the costumes my mom made.

When we got home I gave each of my animals a treat. I got myself a snack, too. We were all tired but happy and surprised that we won. The contest was great and worth all the hard work. I wish we could do it again.

Mrs. Szymanski's comments

May 17, 2005

Hi Kasey,

The final draft of your story is wonderful! I can't think of a single thing I would change.

I really liked the changes you made in paragraph six. I could hear the audience clapping and cheering in my head as I read your story. I could picture the animals in their costumes, and I felt nervous along with you as the animals entered the ring.

The end of your story is perfect. I like the way you have a treat along with the animals. You were all a team!

I am very proud of all the work you did on this story. The final draft is very professional. Now do you want to be a writer? You've done a spectacular job!

Warmest Wishes from your Friend,
:>)
Lois Szymanski

Patti Weeg
pweeg@comcast.net

May 21, 2005