Karon

11/14/05

Nov. 11, 2005

Dear Mrs. Szymanski,

I like to play in gym I would like to read Little Blue Eyes. It has a nice pony on the front and I'm not just saying that. I would like to write about football because I like the Patriot, Bills, the Eagles and the Ravens. What I would like to do on my spare time is buy football games and play sports with my friends like handball football soccer tennis and Basketball. It's FUN!

Yours truly,
Karon

Mrs. Szymanski's reply

November 28, 2005

Hi Karon,

Thank you for writing to me! I hope we can meet and I can say hello to your in person at the end of the school year.

I'm happy to hear that you like sports. Sports are a good way to have fun and get exercise to stay in shape! Is football your favorite sport? It sounds like you like a lot of teams. I usually watch the Ravens. I get to watch them when they train, because every August they train at the college in my town of Westminster. This year I am sad because they are not playing very well!

I am happy to hear that you will write about something you love. When you write about the things you love, the writing is always the best because it comes from your heart.

Do you like to read and write? Readers always make good writers. I hope you get to read Little Blue Eyes. It is not just about a baby horse. It is about a baby horse that has magic powers.

Think about what will happen in your story. There has to be a problem, or a conflict in the beginning. The problem will be solved by the end of the story. What will happen in your story about football? Making a story web will help you plan your story out.

Writing a story with you will be fun. I am looking forward to hearing from you again.

Your friend,
:>)
Lois Szymanski

Karon's story map

Mrs. Szymanski's comments

January 22, 2006

Hi Karon,

You did a great job on your story map! I can tell you love football. That means this is going to be a story you like, so it will be a good one!

I like your setting. It fits the story well. I know you will be able to describe a football field very well. I bet you have spent time playing and watching games on the field!

Your story problem is one that most teams face from time, to time, so it's a good problem. What happens in your story is called the plot. When I am planning the plot in my story I like to play the What-If Game. To play the "What-If" game I ask myself lots of questions to help me figure out what will make my story the best. What if the coach can't find a new player and Jordan, Tyler, Willis, Chad and Karon have to help? What if they find a new player right away, but he is mean to everyone? What if the new player is shy? Play the What-if game with lots of questions and find out what else might happen in your story. Then, you can decide which will make it the best!

The end sounds great. Your problem will be solved and the team will win. I like stories that end happy!

Now, it is time for you to start to write your story. Don't forget to describe how your character feels and what he sees on the football field. I can't wait to read your first draft!

Write back soon!
Your friend,
:>) Lois Szymanski

Karon's first draft

The Championship

On the first day of practice we were excited about the championship. The coach knew we needed a new player because we weren't so good at football. Our team made bad throws and the other team always intercepted our ball. Our team was not good at plays like quarterback sneaks and passes. We needed more practice and we were bad at field goals. Karon was quarterback, Jordan was receiver and Chad was linebacker. Tyler was offensive line and Willis was tight end. Since we lost our games we practiced a little more often. We practiced two nights a week instead of one. During practice Tyler got sick. He was important because he was good at playing offensive line.

Then the coach decided it was time to recruit a new player. Everyone asked why. The team felt they could get better with practice. Chad looked at Karon and said, "Maybe he's right because we do need a little more practice in plays and passes, field goals, throws and running the ball. The team felt unhappy, shutdown, and the cheerleaders were cheerless. Everyone felt sorry for us because we were down.

Chad said," What if the new player gets hurt?"

Karon said," What if the new player can't play?"

Tyler said," What if the new player doesn't want to play. What if he gets fired for not doing the right play, then what will we do?"

Willis said, "We could still find a new player. We could always think of something. We could look over the weekend."

"See you tomorrow," Chad said.

"Wait, what if we go on a vacation at Thanksgiving and see a friend or a cousin who would like to join our team?" Tyler said, "We could ask them if they want to play."

"All right then, I'll try to see what I can do over the Thanksgiving weekend," said Willis.

The coach said, "I'll look too. We'll all look over the weekend. Look in the park, the arcade the movie theater, the restaurant and all the other places you can think of and don't forget to look in the best place of all - a football field or stadium. Just write it down."

The coach continued, "This team needs to be built strong healthy and tough just like all the other teams around here." The team said, "But we are."

"No, you're not, you're a bunch of weaklings," the coach said.

"Well, you can keep on calling us that but we won't quit. Yeah we won't quit," Tyler said.

So then the next day they said to the coach, "We found a new player for the team." The coach said, "Let me see you tackle," Chad said to the new player, Jordan. So Jordan tackled. He thought he'd want to play so when he did, the coach said, "YOU' RE ON THE TEAM!"

When it was the championship we won the game but that's not all. We got we got to go to Golden Corral. It was fun. We got Chicken, Mac and Cheese, Meatballs, Ice cream, Pizza and $60. Karon bought a game. Chad got three gift cards. Tyler got a football. Willis got a paintball gun. I don't know why but he got it anyway.

Then we all went home. Willis and Karon went to play football. They practiced plays like field goals, quarterback sneaks and running the ball They had to get past Willis's dad Willis. It was kind of hard but like they say when you use team work you achieve things together.

Mrs. Szymanski's comments

Hi Karon,

I liked reading your first draft! You sure do know a lot about football!

Your first sentence would be a little bit stronger if you said, "It was the first day of practice and we were already excited about the championship." I like how you let the reader know right away that you are thinking of the championship, but your team has a problem and needs a new strong player.

Start a new paragraph with, "Karon was the quarterback. Jordan was the receiver and Chad was the linebacker." Each time the information changes, or the scene changes, or someone new speaks you have to start a new paragraph.

Start another new paragraph with, "During one practice…" But keep the next part in that paragraph, saying, "That's when the coach decided it was time to recruit a new player." Then start a new paragraph each time someone speaks.

I love the line that says even the cheerleaders were cheerless! That is a great line! Good job! In that section, could you tell us how Karon feels, or how Chad feels, or what they are thinking?

I love the next section where all the players are talking. The story comes to life when your players speak to each other! I also love the part farther down where the coach says, "This team needs to be built strong, healthy and tough…" And I like it when Tyler says, "We won't quit." It shows his determination.

Don't forget to split the paragraph where the team finds a new player. When the coach speaks, asking him to tackle, that needs to be a new paragraph. Then, another new one when Jordan tackles, and another one when the coach says, "You're on the team!"

During these paragraphs, maybe you could add a little more information. I'd love to know what Karon thinks when he watches Jordan tackle. Does he smile? Does he see the other team members smile? Do they cheer, or thump Jordan on the back?

The next paragraph talks about when the championship came, but it doesn't talk about how they played. Did Jordan make a difference in the team? Is that why they won?

I like the way you ended the story. The last sentence is wonderful!

You did a great job on your first draft! I can't wait to read the next one!

Warm Spring Wishes!

Your Friend,
:>)
Lois Szymanski

Karon's final draft

The New Player

It was the first day of practice and we were excited about the championship. I was quarterback, Evan was receiver and Chad was linebacker. Tyler was offensive line and Willis was tight end. The coach knew we needed a lot of help because we weren't so good at football. Our team made sloppy throws and the other team always intercepted our ball. We were not good at plays like quarterback sneaks and passes. Everyone on the team needed more practice because we always missed field goals.

Since we lost most of our games we practiced a little more often. We practiced two nights a week instead of one.

During a practice last week Tyler got sick. He was important because he was good at playing offensive line. That's when the coach decided it was time to recruit a new player.

Everyone asked, "Why?'' Our team felt we could get better with practice. It seemed like our coach was giving up on us.

Chad looked at me and said, "Maybe he's right. We do need a little more practice in plays and passes, field goals, throws and running the ball."

The rest of the team felt unhappy, discouraged, and the cheerleaders were cheerless. I felt kind of down because I thought that our team didn't have a chance to win. Everyone felt sorry for us because we were trying our best but still we couldn't seem to win many

Chad said, "What if the new player gets hurt?"

I said, "What if the new player can't play?"

Tyler said, "What if the new player doesn't want to play? What if he gets fired for not doing the right play? Then what will we do?"

Willis said, "We can still find a good player. We can always think of something. We can look over the weekend."

"See you tomorrow," Chad said.

"Wait, what if we go on a vacation at Thanksgiving and see a friend or a cousin who would like to join our team?" Tyler said, "We could ask them if they want to play."

"All right then, I'll try to see what I can do over the Thanksgiving weekend," said Willis.

The coach said, "I'll look too. We'll all look over the weekend. Look in the park, the arcade, the movie theater, the restaurant and all the other places you can think of and don't forget to look in the best place of all - a football field or stadium. Just write it down."

The coach continued, "This team needs to be built strong healthy and tough just like all the other teams around here."

The team said, "But we are strong!"

"No, you're not, you're a bunch of weaklings," the coach said.

"Well, you can keep on calling us that but we won't quit. Yeah we won't quit," Tyler said.

So then the next day the team said to the coach, "We found a new player for the team. His name is Jordan."

"Let me see you tackle Chad," the coach said to the new player, Jordan.

So Jordan tackled and I smiled. I thought that if Jordan played like this all the time we could win the championship.

Jordan said, "I'd really like to help your team win."

The coach said, "YOU'RE ON THE TEAM!"

During the championship game we played very well. We were healthy, strong and tough. We won the game, too. Jordan made a big difference in the team. He was the best of all players on the team and I was the second best but really the whole team played well together. We found a new player, but that's not all. After the game we went to Golden Corral. It was fun. We got chicken, macaroni and cheese, meatballs, ice cream, pizza and the Salvation Army gave the team because we won the Championship $60. I bought a game. Chad got three gift cards. Tyler got a football. Willis got a paintball gun. I don't know why but he got it anyway.

Then we all went home. Willis and I were still surprised we won the Championship. We practiced plays like field goals we were really good at it now that we were surprised about the Championship and they practiced quarterback sneaks and running the ball. They had to get past Big Willis. It was kind of hard but like they say when you use team work you achieve things together.

Patti Weeg
pweeg@comcast.net

April 30 , 2006