Kajol
11/14/05 Dear Mrs. Szymanski, Hi, my name is Kajol. I have black, silky hair and brown eyes. I like soccer, basketball and tennis. My favorite book is FYEO (For Your Eyes Only) and Double Fudge. I like to read when it rains because you have peace and quiet in the house. I like to write stories when my brother falls asleep. I know I’m going to write about Double Fudge but I’m going to make own version.
Your Friend,
November 28, 2005 Hi Kajol, Thank you for writing to me. It will be fun getting to know you through our emails. I hope to meet you in person when I come to visit at the end of the school year. I like the way you describe how you look. I can already tell you will be good at description when you write your story! Like you, I love to read when it is raining out. It's a peaceful time, a good time to travel to another world by reading a book! I'm glad that your read For Your Eyes Only. I like the way that book includes the journals of two girls. It is a good example of how a journal can be important, and a good thing to keep. Double Fudge is a great book. I like Judy Bloom a lot. It will be interesting to read your story and see how it is different from Judy Bloom's tale. Remember to make sure the story is different. It had to be different and original and truly your own. It is good to imitate another author. That's a great way to learn about writing! I hope we get rain and your brother naps everyday, so you can read a lot. Good readers always make great writers! I look forward to getting another letter from you and watching your story web as you plan your story.
Your friend,
January 22, 2006 Hi Kajol, I like your story map! What a cool idea for a story! It will be creepy and scary, and fun! Do you like to read scary stories? Your setting is perfect. Nothing is scarier than a stifling hot haunted house in the summer. I like your solution, too. It will be good to have them try the window first and not succeed. They will feel even more desperate, more scared, and more helpless when they fail the first time. It will help you build the suspense. Sliding down the rope will be scary too, especially if it is from a second or third story window. I am afraid of being high up, aren't you? You have some good ideas! You will need to tell the reader why your characters are in the house. Do they work in the house, or volunteer for a summer program? Did they come to tour the house? As you write, think about how each character feels. Think about what they would say to each other, and what they hear and see. Think about the details inside the house. Will scary things be hanging on the walls? Will there be creaking and groaning noises in the house? Will the power go out? Are there any phones in the house, and if there are phones, do they work? What kind of stories have your characters heard about the house? What happens when your characters get out of the house? Do they run for help? Do they decide to keep it a secret and never tell anyone? Do they call the police? Asking yourself lots of questions and picturing in your mind the things that could happen will help you develop your story into the best ever. Now, guess what? It's time to write your first draft! I can't wait to find out what will happen to Jimmy, Jesse and Kajol!
Your Friend,
The Mystery of the Haunted HouseKajolIt all started after I went over my mom's friend's house on a hot summer day. From there I walked to my friend Kelsey's house. My friends, Jimmy and Jesse, were there. They were all watching TV. I asked them if they wanted to go for a short stroll around the block. They all agreed so we headed out the door. We kept walking until Jimmy saw a strange looking yellow house. There was a tall man standing in front of the house. We stood there for couple of seconds. Then we went back to Kelsey's house. The next day Kelsey and her stepsister Sally came to tell us that the old yellow house didn't look the same. We could see spider webs, cracked windows and doors hanging off hinges. Jimmy and his sister, Jesse, didn't believe so we went to show them. Jesse didn't believe her eyes. Then Kelsey said, "Let's go in". Jimmy said, "I'll go in the haunted house." Sally also agreed. Then Jesse decided to go into the haunted house though she was scared. Jimmy said, "Don't be scared. We are with you." "So, we all decided that on Thursday we will go inside the creepy haunted house together," said Kelsey. When my mom said we were going to Kelsey's house for dinner I thought about the haunted house. When we finally got to Kelsey's house I got out of the car and ran to Kelsey's room. She was on the phone, I think, with Jimmy. After we ate dinner we heard Kelsey's mom saying to my mom that we were going to move over here in Kelsey's house. I was so happy. I thought I heard somebody yell, "Sally!" It was just a door creek that almost gave me a heart attack. I was just thinking about the haunted looking house. I asked Jimmy, "What time are we going in the haunted house?" He was too busy talking on his cellphone. Kelsey said, "How about 3:00?" Everybody agreed. At dinner time my mom said to Kelsey's house, "The girls are up to something." I asked Kelsey, "What if my mom knows that we are going to the creepy haunted house?" She didn't reply. After dinner Kelsey and I went to our room and called Jesse and asked her if her parents found out that tomorrow we were going to the haunted house. It was a sunny Thursday morning. After we ate breakfast, Kelsey asked if I wanted some ice-cream. I answered, "Yes." So we went to the ice-cream truck and got some free ice-cream because Sally's dad is the ice-cream man. We kept on walking until we saw the haunted house. We were waited for Jimmy and Jesse to come to the haunted house. After 35 minutes Jesse came with an ax. Sally asked, "Why did you bring an ax?" Jesse remarked, "In case someone tries to hurt us." Kelsey said, "Jesse, just put the ax down behind the red colored bush." Then Jimmy came to the haunted house. So we forced Jesse to open the door. She opened the door. Jesse screamed! Sally went in first, followed by Kelsey, Jesse and Jimmy. Sally saw this strange looking cat. Kajol isn't finished writing her first draft... Stay tuned!
Hi Kajol, Your first draft was spooky and cool! I have a few ideas to make it even better. I was wondering if you could start your story with your friends taking a walk with you. That puts us closer to the action. Maybe you could start with something like this, "We were walking down the sidewalk when Jimmy suddenly stopped to stare at a strange looking yellow house. Kelsey, Jesse and I stopped, too. The house was…." This puts the reader right in the middle of the action, and lets him or her know that there is a strange house and these four friends are looking at it, wondering what is going on. When Kelsey and Sally come over the next day, maybe they could speak. It would be neat if they said, "The yellow house doesn't look the same! There are spider webs and…." Then Jesse could say, "I don't believe it," and they could all go to look. Oooh, it is scary when Jimmy says he will go into the house, and then the others agreed to go, too. My heart was racing when I read that! During dinner, maybe the friends could talk about the haunted house, or maybe they could ask Mom if she knows anything about that house, and mom could tell them a story about someone who moved away, or died in the house, or something else to make them more afraid. You could take out the parts when they wonder if their parents know they are going to the house. That would put the kids closer to the time when they are actually going to go into the house. I like that the kids had ice cream, but if I knew I was going to a haunted house, I wouldn't take time to stop for ice cream. It would work if they were waiting and waiting for Jimmy and Jesse, though, and decided to have ice cream while they waited. I was happy when Kelsey made Jesse put the ax away! I am afraid of sharp axes! When they went into the house, why did Jesse scream? Could you add something that she sees as soon as she walks in that makes her scream? Maybe she opened the door and a cobweb dropped down on Jesse and she screamed? Or maybe she opened the door and there was a loud bang, or a moan, or something else scary? I'd love to see you add more details about what they saw and how your characters felt. What were they thinking as they went into the house? Here are some the questions I have: What did the cat do when it saw you? Why was it strange looking? When you say Jesse felt scared, could you tell us how it felt. Maybe Jesse felt her heart pound in her chest? Maybe Jesse's hands were shaking? Maybe her mind was racing as she wondered what would be in the next room? Where did Jesse get the ax? I thought they left it behind a bush. Did they run from the house screaming? Did the door slam behind them? Did the house shake or were there any noises? I like the way your story ended. They survived their scary adventure and they are never going back again, and that's a good thing! This was a good first draft. I can't wait to see it again after you have added more details. I love scary stories! I hope you are enjoying the warm days and staying out of haunted houses!
Your Friend,
The Haunted TrapKajolWe were walking down the sidewalk when Jimmy suddenly stopped to stare at a strange looking yellow house. Kelsey, Jesse and I stopped, too. There was a tall man standing in front of the house. We stood there for a couple of seconds. Then we went back to Kelsey's house. The next day Kelsey and her stepsister Sally came over and said, "The yellow house doesn't look the same!" We could see spider webs, cracked windows and doors hanging off hinges. Jimmy and his sister, Jesse, didn't believe us so we went to show them. Jesse said, "I can't believe it." Then Kelsey said, "Let's go in". Jimmy said, "I'll go in the haunted house." Sally also agreed. Then Jesse decided to go into the haunted house though she was scared. Jimmy said, "Don't be scared. We are with you." "So, we all decided that on Thursday we would go inside the creepy haunted house together," said Kelsey. When my mom said we were going to Kelsey's house for dinner I thought about the haunted house. When we finally got to Kelsey's house I got out of the car and ran to Kelsey's room. She was on the phone, I think, with Jimmy. After we ate dinner we heard Kelsey's mom saying to my mom that we were going to move over here in Kelsey's house. I was so happy. I thought I heard somebody yell, "Sally!" It was just a door creek that almost gave me a heart attack. I was just thinking about the haunted looking house. Then I asked my mom if she could tell us about the haunted house. She said, "Well there is an old story about that house. Long ago in that house a boy named Harold Tom died. He died because he drank poison." Sally asked, "Did he drink it on purpose or by accident?" She said, "He didn't drink it on purpose. A man put poison in a bottle of soda and gave it to him to drink. The boy was never seen again." The next morning I asked Jimmy, "What time are we going in the haunted house?" He was too busy talking on his cellphone. Kelsey said, "How about 3:00?" Everybody agreed. At dinner time my mom said to Kelsey's mom, "The girls are up to something." After lunch Kelsey asked if I wanted some ice-cream. I answered, "Yes." So we went to the ice-cream truck and got some free ice-cream because Sally's dad is the ice-cream man. In just two hours it would be time to meet Jimmy and Jesse. We walked to the park. We kept on walking until we saw the haunted house. We waited for Jimmy and Jesse to come to the haunted house. After 35 minutes Jesse came with an ax. Sally asked, "Why did you bring an ax?" Jesse remarked, "In case someone tries to hurt us." Kelsey said, "Jesse, just put the ax down behind the red colored bush." Then Jimmy came to the haunted house. So we forced Jesse to open the door. She opened the door. Jesse screamed! She screamed because a humungous cobweb fell on her and there was a really loud moan. Sally went in first, followed by Kelsey, Jesse and Jimmy. Sally saw this strange looking cat. It was spine-chilling. Then we went to a room with a hideous sculpture. Jesse felt scared. Her heart pounded in her chest and her mind was racing as she wondered what would be in the next room. Then the door slammed behind us. Sally tried to open it but it wouldn't open because it was locked. Jimmy tried to use the phone, but it was dead. Sally tried to open the windows but they were locked. Jesse broke the window with the ax she bought. She had hidden the ax behind her back. We couldn't see the ax because it was too dark for us to see. Then we all escaped. We felt so free to get out of that house. Now we are never going in that house again.
Hi Kajol, I am attaching your final copy with just a few tiny corrections. I LOVED the final draft! You have worked hard and written a wonderful story. I especially liked the way you added the story about Harold and how he died, letting us know why the house is haunted It was exciting and scary and so much fun to read! I'm never going into any strange-looking yellow houses! I am looking forward to seeing you on the 22nd of May, so I can congratulate you in person!
Your Friend, |
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