Delmar and Laurel's Rivalry
by Joshua

The Delmar Wildcats practiced for weeks to play Laurel in the football playoff game. Gerrod practiced running, passing, kicking, kick return, punting, punt returning and defense. Day after day Delmar football players went home each evening sweaty and tired. Laurel's best player, Tommy, had to be stopped. He was the best player on the team.

The big day arrived! Delmar was ready to prove who was number one. The coach sat out the four best players until the second half because he did not want Gerrod, Zack, Josh, and Kevin to get tired or hurt. He needed them if the game was close. The score was Laurel 6 and Delmar 0 with one minute until half time. Delmar was on the 50 yard line when out of nowhere bolted John Ellis with the QB sneak! No one could catch him. Touchdown Delmar!! Cody went for the field goal and he made it. The score was then Laurel 6 and Delmar 7.

The score was still 6 to 7 in the third quarter. Both teams could taste victory for #1. They were sure it was only a matter of time until there was no doubt who was the best team. The crowd yelled on both sides of the field when suddenly there was a hush. Everyone was looking at the player on the ground. Josh was injured! Someone running down the field crushed Joshua's ankle and he fell to the ground. Joshua said it hurt really bad and he couldn't walk. Delmar fans booed the Laurel team.

The game was tight - neck and neck all the way into the fourth quarter. Laurel was on the 50 yard line and ran 49 yards. Delmar was ready for them and tackled Laurel on Delmar's 1 yard line! It was close and all eyes were watching. Delmar intercepted the ball and ran to Laurel's 1 yard line with one second left. John Ellis did a Q.B kneel. The crowd roared! Delmar hadn't beaten Laurel in 20 years. Since that day, Delmar has always beaten Laurel for the state title.

THE END

May 13, 2004

Hi Josh,

You have worked hard this year on your story and it shows. You have a way with words, and this adds spice to your final copy. What a great job!

I loved the way you introduce your story. Your description is perfect! When you say, "Day after day the Delmar football players went home each evening sweaty and tired," you show us how hard they are working, and how important winning the title is to each player. I also loved the line, "Laurel's best player, Tommy, had to be stopped." You make the reader feel like a part of the story.

You had a lot of great words. I liked when you said, "Both teams could taste victory." Your description of the crowd, and the injury scene is perfect. I can picture a noisy crowd going quiet and then, the Delmar fans booing the Laurel team.

I liked when you said the game "was tight - neck and neck all the way into the fourth quarter." It gave me a real feel for how desperate the players felt. Your play-by-play description of the game adds to the general "feel" of your story, and the end rounds it all up nicely. When the crowd roared, I could feel it, and I knew why it felt good to them.

You did a great job telling a story about something you know and love. You should be proud of your story!

Your Friend,
Lois Szymanski

Patti Weeg
pweeg@comcast.net

May 18, 2004