Joshua
Dear Mrs. Lois, I`m 9 years old. I like football. I play for Delmar Wildcats Pop Warner. I like science. Writing makes my arm hurt. I want my story topic to be about football because you have to be tough.
Your friend,
Dear Joshua, Thank you for your nice letter. It was fun to read a little about you and what you like to do. I am sorry that writing makes your arm hurt! Does it hurt when you type your story? If you keep writing your arm will get stronger and your story will, too! I'm glad you like science. I like science, too. There are so many things to learn from science. You said you will write a story about football. What will happen in your story? Can you put science into the plot? Maybe you will write a story about a scientist who makes a super football! Because you are going to write about something that you know about and care about it will be important to those who read your story, too. When you plan your story, think about the setting. Where will your story take place? It could be in the gym, on the football field, or in your backyard. If you can picture it in your mind, so you can describe it in your story in a way that will make your readers be able to see it in their minds. Also, think about the characters in your story. What do they look like, how do they act, and what do they want to happen in the story? I am getting excited about your story! Write back soon and tell me about your ideas, and what you will write!
Your New Friend,
No my arm doesn’t hurt when I type. I want the football game to be on a weekend and I want it to be in the afternoon on a real football field. One team is wearing orange jourseys like me and the other team is wearing red jerseys. They will act tough. It will be a tight game but the orange team will win.
Your friend,
December 3, 2003 Dear Joshua, Thank you fore writing back so quickly. I can tell you like football! I'm glad you have picked a setting for your story, the football field in the afternoon. And you already know what color jerseys each team will be wearing. It sounds like the football game will be close, and exciting, but I want to know more. Who will be the characters in your story? I am sure they will be the players in the game, but can you pick two or more that will be the ones we worry about the most. These will be the ones we hear speaking in the story. Every good story starts out with a problem or a conflict. This is the thing that the readers worry about as they read the story. By the end of the story you have solved the problem and the reader feels happy that everything is okay.
I can't wait to hear from you and learn more about your story. Write back soon!
Your Friend,
January 6, 2003
Thank you for sending your story web. It looks super. You did a great job plotting your story. I am anxious to read your first draft. You will have to think about the game a lot when you are writing the scenes that take place within the game. I had a few questions and ideas of things to think about. I wondered what positions your characters; Gerrod, Zack, and Kevin play? Will they be able to pass the ball to each other and work together to make Delmar win the game? Is there one big guy on the other team who is a special problem? Maybe he has come up against them before, or maybe he has never been beaten? It will make the victory even sweeter if it seems they could never beat this team, or this player, and then they do! Did you watch the Ravens play against the Tennessee Titans over the break? My husband and I watched the game. We were yelling and acting silly because we were so excited about such a close game. I think you can make your readers feel like that when you write your story. A close game can make your heart race!
Your Friend,
Delmar and laurel's rivalry Delmar Practice for weeks to play Laurel in the football playoff game. Delmar practiced running, passing, kicking, kick return, punting, punt returning, and defense. Laurel's best player, Tommy, has to be stopped Because he is the best player on the team The coach sat out the three best players until the second half because the coach did not want Gerrod, Zack, and Kevin to get hurt. Delmar scored and at final buzzer the score was 14 the 16.It was 3rd down at Laurel 20 with 10 second left Laurel had the had the ball and Laurel had a delay of the game and Delmar declined it so Delmar got the ball with one second left and Delmar kicked a field goal and it went in they had fireworks after since Delmar hadn't beaten laurel in 20 years. Since then, Delmar always plays Laurel for the state title. Next year if Delmar wins the state title Delmar will be most improvement town in the country. If Delmar wins 30 more years they will be best in the continent.
February 11, 2004 Hi Joshua, I liked reading the first draft of your story! You've taken a good idea, worked hard, and done a lot of thinking, to come up with a wonderful first draft. I like your first line. It sets the reader up to hear a good story. When you say, "Delmar practiced for weeks to play Laurel in the football playoff game," the reader knows that we are going to hear a story about the playoff game, and that's exciting! You have the reader's attention! The thing you need to make it even better, is a main character. Ask yourself, whose story is this? With a main character, you will be able to put the reader inside someone's mind so we can see, hear, and feel what he is seeing, hearing and feeling. That makes the reader feel like part of the story! Here is an example (using Gerrod as the main character). Gerrod practiced running, passing, kicking, kick return, punting, punt returning and defense, day after day. He walked home each evening, sweaty and tired, with his helmet in his hand, dragging the ground. We just have to stop Laurel's best player, Tommy, he thought. No matter what it takes! See how the story sparkles when it is about the main character? The reader gets to hear how he feels and what he is thinking, and then we feel like we are in the story with him. Everything you wrote is super! I like hearing how the best players sat out the game until it got tough. I liked hearing the play by play action. I wanted to picture the fire works afterward. How exciting! All you have to do is tell your same story from the point of view of the main character. Tell the story as if it is about him, and watch your story come to life! I am looking forward to your next letter. Write back soon and tell me more about Gerrod, Zack and Kevin, and how Delmar beat Laurel in the playoffs!
Your Friend,
April 7, 2004
Delmar and Laurel’s RivalryBy Joshua W. The Delmar Wildcats practiced for weeks to play Laurel in the football playoff game. Gerrod practiced running, passing, kicking, kick return, punting, punt returning and defense. Day after day Delmar football players went home each evening sweaty and tired. Laurel’s best player, Tommy, had to be stopped. He is the best player on the team. The big day arrived! Delmar was ready to prove who was number one. The coach sat out the three best players until the second half because he did not want Gerrod, Zack, Josh, and Kevin to get tired or hurt. He needed them if the game was close. At half time the score was 7 to 7. The crowd was excited on both sides of the field. Both teams thought that they were #1. They were sure of a victory. In the third quarter it was 7 the 7 and Josh got injured. Laurel scored the score was 14 to 7 in the fourth quarter the game was tight Laurel was on the 50 yard line and ran a 49 yards Delmar tackled Laurel on Delmar’s 1 yard line. Delmar intersepted it and ran to Laurels 1 yard line with one second left. Delmar scored a field goal with zero seconds left so at the final buzzer the score was 14 the 16. The crowd roared! Delmar hadn’t beaten Laurel in 20 years. Since that day, Delmar always beat Laurel for the state title. THE END
April 20, 2004 Hi Josh, Thanks for sending me your story again. I can see you have been working on it. I think the first sentence is an excellent one! It tells the reader what is happening right away. It made me know how hard Gerrod had been working, and how long. I was glad you pyut so much information in. On thing I noticed is that you switched from past tense to present tense. This is a hard thing to figure out. Past tense is when something happened in the past, a few minutes ago, or a long time ago. Present tense is when the reader feels like it is happening now. When you say, "Tommy had to be stopped," the word had makes the sentence past tense. Then you say, "He is the best player on the team. The word is makes it present tense. Since most of your story is in past tense, why don't you change it all to past tense. If you do, that sentence would be, "He was the best player on the team. I am sure Mrs. Weeg can help you if you aren't sure if it is staying in past tense. I love the way you say, "The big day arrived!" It's a good way to show that time has passed, and you remembered to start a new paragraph, too. Good for you! I also liked the way you introduced Gerrod, Zack, Josh, and Kevin as the best players! That's a great way to do it. But you said three best players. Did you mean four? I thought the last paragraph could be two or three paragraphs. You can do this by adding more details. When Josh got hurt, I wanted to know how, and where he was hurt. Did he limp off the field? Did the crowd cheer? What did the coach say? Maybe you could add some dialogue here. Dialogue is when the characters in your story speak. Maybe one of the boys could ask the coach, "What will we do without Josh to help us win?" You would probably find it easy to come up with a short conversation about Josh getting hurt. I loved it when you said, "Delmar scored a field goal with zero seconds left, so at the final buzzer the score was 14 to 16. The crowd roared!" It was good to hear the crowd roar, and to know how much they cared about the game. It made me feel like I was there, a part of the crowd! Your last line is a good ending line. Make sure you change the tense, so it says, "Since that day, Delmar has always beaten Laurel for the state title. You picked a good line to end your story! I liked reading about this exciting game. I hope you add a few more details and send it back to me. I will look forward to seeing it again!
Your Friend, |
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To come up with some good ideas for what will happen in your story, you could play the What-if Game. Whenever I am writing a story and I get stuck, I play the What-if Game. I ask myself, What if this happens? How will it change my story? What if that happens? Will it make my story better? You could ask yourself: What if one of the players is injured and doesn't tell anyone? What if one teammate is having an argument with the other and won't pass him the ball? What if a rainstorm threatens to rain out the biggest game of the season? I bet you can come up with a lot better What-if questions than I have, because you know a lot about football, and I do not! The What-if questions will help you find ideas about how to start your story, and where it will go from there.
I hope you had a super vacation! The holidays are always nice! I spent time reading and writing. Did you get to read and write during your holiday break?
Have fun writing your first draft. I'll be waiting to read it!