Jesse
11/14/05 Dear Mrs. Szymanski, Hi. My name is Jessica but you can call me Jesse [That’s what people call me.] I like to play soccer, and basketball. My favorite book is Fudge-a- Mania and Double Fudge. I like reading when my sister is at a friend’s house because she’s 13 and she thinks she’s COOL. I like to write stories all the time. I know that I’m going to write about Fudge-a Mania (I’m going to make my own version!)
Your Friend,
November 28, 2005 Hi Jesse, Thank you for writing to me. I am looking forward to getting to know you through our emails. I hope to meet you and give you a hug at the end of the school year. Fudge-a-Mania and Double Fudge are good books. I like Judy Bloom. It is going to be fun reading your story and seeing how similar it is to the Judy Bloom stories. Remember to make yours a little different. You get to tell your own story and make it especially yours! I am sure you have learned a lot about how to write from reading the books you love. Writing about something you know and love is always the best! I look forward to hearing back from you and seeing your story web as you plan it out.
Your friend,
January 22, 2006 Hi Jesse, I like your story map! Your idea is an original one. There are so many different ways to tell this story. Planning it will be fun. Your setting is a good one. You let me know the season, the state and the location. Perfect! I bet you know a lot about soccer! Your solution to get a cast is good, but you will also have to have a solution for his sister making fun of him. As you plan your story plot, you will be able to find the anwer to that, too. A good way to start planning your plot is to play the What-if game. Ask yourself lots of questions to figure out what would make the best story. Ask questions like, what if I Casey falls and has to get a bandage on her elbow? Will that make her realize how you feel? Or, what if Casey's friend tells her how it feels to have a cast on for so long? Or, what if Mom and Dad make Casey walk on crutches for one whole day, to see how hard it is on you? I bet you can think of lots of other What if questions. Think about which one will make your story the very best, then start to write. As you write, think about what your character is seeing and feeling and make it a part of the story. Wow, it's time to start writing you're the first draft of story. I can't wait to read more!
Your Friend,
The Soccer Mistakeby JesseIt started when we were on are way to the soccer field. I asked Troy, my brother, and Casey, my sister, if they were ready. "I have been waiting for this day for a year!" Troy said. Casey said nothing to me. So I repeated the question. She said, "I'm not talking to you. Not today." Mom and Dad looked at each other. Then Dad said, "Here we go again." "Dad, why do you say that ever time she will not talk to me?" I asked. "When you guys fight I get yelled at by your mom," He said. "Ok," I said. When we got to the soccer field I let Pietre my dog out of the truck and walked him to the field with Troy. When we got to the field I saw another dog there. I put Pietre 20 feet away. I was getting ready for the game and the other dog got away from his owner and started for Pietre. I got up fast and grabbed Pietre and I wrapped myself around him so that my puppy would be safe. By the time his owner got to the dog he had been picked up by my Dad. The owner said, "I'm so sorry. I should have been holding him tighter. You can get up now." I got up and wiped myself off. I walked over to the field and gave Pietre to my mom and walked on the field. The game started and I got in my position. We started with the ball. The person with the ball came right for me. We both tried to get the ball back and that is when it started. He kicked my leg so hard that I fell to the ground. When I tried to get up I tried so hard. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get up because my leg hurt so bad. I could not move my right leg. The ref blew the whistle and came to me and asked me if I could get up. I answered, "No." He asked me, "What's the matter?" I answered, "I cannot move my right leg." "Ok," he answered. Then he called the coach and they put me in my mom's car. Then they loaded everyone in the car and the next thing I knew we were at the hospital. Dr. Scott said, "Jesse has sprained his leg." "What!" I cried. Dr. Scott put a case on my leg and he put one on Pietre so he would not be left out. I missed 3 games and 2 practices. My team lost 3 games while I was gone and they had to play 5 on 5. When I came back I won us 5 games.
Hi Jesse, I liked reading your first draft! You had a lot of good stuff in it. It would be really cool if you opened the story with you speaking. If you make the first line of your story, "Are you ready?" I asked my brother, Troy and my sister, Casey, it would put your reader right smack into the middle of the action. Then you could have Casey sitting, staring ahead, not speaking to you. I like how you show us how some of your characters feel with their actions. When Mom and Dad look at each other, we know they are thinking the same thing. It's so funny when your dad says, "When you guys fight I get yelled at by your mom"! In the next paragraph down you say, "When we got to the field" two times. Maybe you could move the second sentence up to the beginning, so you see the other dog right away. Then you can walk him over and tie him 20 feet away. Start a new paragraph when the other dog gets away. You could write something like, "Suddenly, the other dog got away," or "All at once…." or "I had just turned my head when I heard the other dog's chain snap," or something like that, so we know it happened all at once. I like how you wrapped yourself around Pietre. It made me smile because I know how you feel. I love my puppy that much, too! (I'll paste a picture of my puppy in this letter for you to see!) I like it when you say, "I got up and wiped myself off." When you show the reader what your characters are doing in the story, it makes him feel like he is watching a movie. Very cool! In the next sentence the game starts before you are in position. Maybe you should switch the sentence to say, "I got into position and the game started." Instead of saying, "That's when it started, you could drop that part and join the two sentences together to say, "We both tried to get the ball back and he kicked my leg so hard I fell to the ground." After you fall down I wanted to know how it felt? Did a hot pain shoot through your foot or up your leg? Did you roll around on the ground wishing the pain would stop? Did your ankle go numb? Maybe you could tell us how it felt, and what you were thinking. I love the dialog you have after that. When the ref is talking to you and you are answering, I felt like I was sitting in the crowd listening. You really put me in the middle of your story! When your characters talk, it really brings the story to life. At the end of your story, after the doctor puts a cast on your leg, you have to miss 3 games and 2 practices. It would make the story stronger if you told a little bit about how that felt. Did you sit on the sidelines and watch them lose and wish you could be there to help? Did you stay home and hear the news from someone else, and were you sad? If you tell us how you feel when they lose, it will make the ending even more powerful. Instead of saying, "When I came back we won five games," you could just talk about your first game back. You could tell how it felt to step back onto the field and hear the crowds cheer. You could tell how it felt to get the ball and head for the goal and shoot the winning goal of the game, helping your team come back again. Then, if you wanted to you could say, "We won four more games." I like the ending, but I think it would be neat if you told us how it felt to come back and play again. I wondered how it must feel to miss all those games, then come back again, as strong as ever. You did a great job on this first draft! I'm proud of you, and I can't wait to read your next draft! I hope you get to play lots of soccer on these lovely warm spring days!
Your Friend,
The Soccer InjuryBy: Jesse"Are you ready?" I asked my brother, Troy and my sister, Casey. "You bet I'm ready! I have been waiting for this day for a year!" Troy said. Casey sat staring ahead, not speaking to me. So I repeated the question. She said, "I'm not talking to you. Not today." Mom and Dad looked at each other. Then Dad said "Here we go again." When we got to the parking lot I let Pietre my dog out of the truck and walked him to the field with Troy. When we got to the field I saw another dog there. I tied Pietre 20 feet away. I was getting ready for the game and then I looked over at the other dog. He got loose and broke the leash and started for Pietre. I got up fast and grabbed Pietre. I wrapped myself around him so that my puppy would be safe. By the time his owner got to the dog he had been picked up by my Dad. The owner said, "I'm so sorry. I should have been holding him tighter. You can get up now." I got up and wiped myself off. I walked over to the field and gave Pietre to my mom and walked on the field. I got in my position and the game started. They started with the ball. The person with the ball came right for me. We both tried to get the ball back and he kicked my leg so hard that I fell to the ground. When I tried to get up but my leg wouldn't move. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get up because my leg hurt so badly. The ref blew the whistle and came to me and asked me if I could get up. I answered, "No." He asked me, "What's the matter?" I answered, "I'm in pain." "Hang in there. You'll be ok soon" he answered. Then he called the coach and they put me in my mom's car. Then they loaded everyone in the car and the next thing I knew we were at the hospital. Dr. Scott said, "Jesse has sprained his leg." "What!" I cried. Dr. Scott put a case on my leg and he put one on Pietre so he would not be left out. I missed 3 games and 2 practices. My team lost 3 games while I was gone and they had to play 5 on 5. When I came back I won us 5 games.
Hi Jesse, You did a great job on your final draft! I only had one thing for you to fix, to make a new paragraph. You will see it on the attached copy. Your story really touched me. I have a dog, so I love how you have Peitre in the story, and I adore the way you had the doctor put a cast on the dog, too! I smiled when I read that part! I like how you have lots of dialogue, people talking outloud in your story, and I also liked the way the sisters fight. It is very realistic and easy to believe. Super job, Jesse! I can't wait to see you on May 22nd, so I can congratulate you in person!
Your Friend, |
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