Jay
December 3, 2001 I'm 9 years old. When I am home I like to ride my scooter and play with my friend. I like to collect tractors. I am new in Mrs. Weeg's computer class. Last year I lived in Colorado and went to school there. I lived there for three years.
Your friend,
December 6, 2001 It is nice to meet you! When did you move here from Colorado. What a wonderful place to live! Do you miss it yet? I hope we get a little snow here in Maryland, so you won't be too homesick for a Colorado winter! I like to be with my friends, too, but I have never ridden a scooter. Is it fun? I think I would probably wreck if I tried to ride one! I better stick to riding horses. I grew up on a farm and used to have to drive the tractor to help out with the chores. Do you collect model tractors? They are pretty neat. Do you ever go to Steam Shows? My brother has a few tractors and he goes to a lot of Steam Shows to look at the old ones. What do you think you will write your story about? I can't wait to hear what kind of ideas you come up with. Write back soon, so we can get your story started. We're going to have a lot of fun!
Your Friend,
Hi Mrs. Lois, Here is my story map. Will you help me?
Your friend, 
I liked looking over your story map. You've picked a good setting and good characters. That will give you a solid start as you build your story. But I do have a lot of questions for you. I hope you are ready! In the Problem circle you wrote: eat all the food. That made me wonder who was going to eat all the food? As I read your possible solutions of crushing them, and taping them to the road, I thought maybe the toy soldiers were going to come to life and eat all the food. Is that what the problem is in your story, that the toy soldiers come to life and eat all of the food? If that is the problem, it is a good one! In the story, Jay could come up with many ideas to stop the toy soldiers, and then decide not to use them for one reason or another. Crushing them would not be a good idea because you would not be able to play with them anymore. Jay could consider the idea in the story, then be sad at the thought of not having his toy soldiers to play with each day. Your final solution is a good one! If you tape the soldiers down when you are not playing with them they can't eat all the food, and they will still be there when you want to play with them! Please let me know if I have correctly guessed what you want to do with your story. It sounds like you have a really great imagination, and that means you will write a really great story! Write back soon! I hope you have a safe and happy holiday!
Your Friend,
Hi Jay, You've done a super job of working out the details of your story in your story map. It looks great! Are you ready to write the story yet? As you write, here are some questions to ask yourself about your story:
As you write use description to help your readers picture the characters, the setting, and the action taking place in your story. I am already imagining what your toy soldiers will look like! Use dialog to bring your characters to life. Dialog is what we call it when the characters in a story speak. It helps us get to know them better, and to feel like we are not just hearing about the story, but actually experiencing it!
Your Friend,
My Toy Soldiers They jumped in my backpack and came to school with me. I was in class when I heard a zipper on a backpack open.I turned around and saw 20 toy soldiers jumping out of my backpack. They were going out my classroom door. I wondered how they got in my backpack. I played with my soldiers before my dad told me and my two sisters that we had to get ready for school. I forgot to put them back in their box before I left for school. I guess they unzipped my backpack and jumped in. They forgot to close the zipper again because they must have heard me come back up the stairs to get my backpack. I sat in my desk and thought about the trouble I could get in if they got caught running through the school building. I tried to do my math lesson on times tables but I got them all wrong because I was concentrating on the toy soldiers. I ndered where they were and what they were doing. Lunch time came and we were in line to go into the cafeteria. I could hear the cafeteria ladies yelling at someone. Then I saw them with their brooms. They were trying to get something out of the cafeteria. They were after my soldiers! "Oh no," I said to myself, "I'm in trouble now." The soldiers must have smelled the pizza cooking in the kitchen. Pizza is their favorite food. I like pizza, too. Their favorite topping is pepperoni so I told the cafeteria ladies to put sleeperoni on the pizzas. It looks just like pepperoni and they soldiers would never notice. The sleeperoni would make them sleepy. I invented sleeperoni with my science set that I have at home. I only had a couple slices left in my backpack but I told the ladies that I would get it for them. I ran back to my classroom and got the sleeperoni and took it to the ladies. They put sleeperoni pieces on the pizza and it wasn't long before the soldiers went to sleep. I put some of the soldiers in my lunch box but they wouldn't all fit so I gave some to my friend, Darren, who helped me carry them back to our classroom. The sleeperoni would keep the soldiers asleep until I got home from school. Next time I will be careful and make sure that no toys are in my backpack when I leave the house for school in the morning.
Hi Jay, I liked all the changes you made to your story. You made me feel like I was in the school with you, watching your toy soldiers get into trouble! I have just a few suggestions to help you fine-tune a great story. Here they are: A story can have two different kinds of voices. One is an active voice, and one is a passive voice. Most of your story is in an active voice, and that is what you want. An active voice makes the reader feel like they are in the story. There are just a few passive lines in your story. One line is, "They were going out my classroom door." The word were makes the story passive. If you change it to: "They marched out my classroom door," it will feel more like we are in the story, and a part of the action. Maybe the part where you are remembering what happened at home could be a separate paragraph, and you could say, "I remembered that I had played….." and then keep what you have about what happened at home. If you do this, the reader will know that you are thinking about what already happened. I love the extra parts you added showing that you are worried while you sit at your desk, and when you try to do your math lesson! What a wonderful way to make me (the reader) feel like I am with you, and feeling what you are feeling as your soldiers run free in the school! You have another part with a passive voice at lunch time. Instead of saying, "They were trying to get something out of the cafeteria. They were after my soldiers," can you say, "They chased something with their brooms. It was my soldiers!" or something like that? I love how you tell all about the sleeperoni and how you invented it. That's a great addition to the adventure! I must tell you that I was so impressed with your story that I sat in my office reading it with a grin on my face. It's a super-good story and you have done a wonderful job with the hard job of rewriting!
Your Friend, |
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Patti Weeg December 17, 2001 |
