Jackie
Dear Mrs. Szymanski, Hi my name is Jackie iam 9 years old. I would like to do a story about my friend.
Your new friend,
Hi Jackie, It is good to hear from you. I am looking forward to working with you over the next few months. It's always fun to make a new friend, and to write stories together! I am glad that you want to write a story about your friend. You will be writing about someone you know and love. Whenever you write about something or someone you love, your writing comes from you heart. That is the best kind of writing! You will also be writing about an important topic, friendship! Almost anyone who reads your story will know how your main character must feel, because we all care about our friends. I am looking forward to hearing from you again. I know you will be thinking about the main character in your story and what he or she will do and say in the story that you write!
Warmest Wishes,
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 15:25:35 -0500 Hi Jackie, Thank you for sharing your story map with me! Here are some of my thoughts: Setting- Your setting is a good one. I can imagine being on the farm on a lazy weekend. If I close my eyes I can smell hay, and straw, and fresh cut grass, and hear the sounds of animals moving about in their stalls, cows mooing, horses neighing and chickens cackling. I grew up on a farm and I love to think about this setting! Characters - Sometimes it just takes two characters to make a great story, especially when those characters are friends. What is your friend's name? Think about what your characters look like, so you can describe them in your story. Problem or Conflict - I like the problem you have come up with. This is one that everyone can relate to! No one ever wants to fight with their friend, but it happens to everyone at some time in their life. What did your friend get mad at you about? Did you argue? Why? Possible Solution- You left his section blank. Will you and your friend talk things over? Will another friend take messages or notes back and forth until you solve your problem? Will Mom or Dad talk to you and help you make up? How will you solve your conflict with your friend? Ending - I am glad they will be friends again in the end. It's a perfect ending! You have a great setting, good characters, a good problem, and a good ending. Now, all you have to do is to focus on the middle of your story and figure out how the two friends will patch things up and be friends once again. I will look forward to hearing from you and finding out what happens in the story with you and your friend!
Your Friend,
My Friend
I like my friend Dez but sometimes we do not get along. One time at my farm we went to get a drink at the store because it was so hot. We got to the store and I had a $20.00 and she had money, too. I paid for my drink and Dez went to go pay for hers. She did not have her money. She could not believe it because she just had it. Before I knew it, she yelled at me. She did not even give me time to say she let her brother hold it for her. Then her brother came into the store and said, "Here is your money, Dez." And she said, "Sorry, Jackie." She felt very sorry that she yelled at me. I said, "Well you should be. You just yelled at me. I can not believe you can think I would do a thing like that." Then my brother walked in and said, "Jackie, say it's ok." He wanted use to be friends again. So I said it was ok and we made up.
Hi Jackie, I enjoyed reading your story about friendship. You did a great job of introducing your characters in the story, and of starting with a conflict, or a problem. What a terrible thing to happen, having a friend think you've stolen from them! That makes a very good problem to start with, and you have written it in first person, (as though you are the one telling the story), and that works well in your story. I have a few ideas to make your story even better. I think it would be a stronger story if you had the argument last a little bit longer, and if you told us how Jackie felt and what she did. I also wanted to know what Dez yelled when she yelled at Jackie. Did she accuse Jackie of taking her money? You could play the "What-if game" and ask yourself some questions like: "What if Dez looked at the lump of money in Jackie's pocket, and questioned it? What if Dez demanded Jackie give her back her money? What if Dez started to cry? What if Jackie started to cry? What if Jackie's brother came in with the money, and said, "Hey, I just found this on the sidewalk? Is it yours?" I bet you can come up with some what-if questions of your own! When you answer the what-if questions you will have many ideas and maybe you can choose one or two to make the argument last a tiny bit longer. How did Jackie feel, and what did she do when Dez got angry? Did she have a lump in her tummy? Did she cry? Did she yell back? Did she stomp off? Did she offer to buy Dez an ice cream? What happened when they made up? Did they hug each other? I like that your conflict was resolved, (the problem was fixed) at the end. That is the best way to end a story. I love happy endings! I can't wait to see how your story will grow! Write back soon!
Your Friend,
My Friend
I like my friend Dez but sometimes we do not get along. One time when we were playing at my farm we went to get a drink at the store because it was so hot. We both had money to spend for the day. My money was in my pocket. I paid for my drink and Dez put her hand into her pocket to pay for hers. It wasn’t there! She did not have her money. She could not believe it because she just had it. Then Dez looked over at me and saw my $20 bill. Before I knew it, she yelled at me saying, “Jackie, you stole my money! I thought you were my friend.” I felt really bad because I didn’t take her money. She is my friend and she hurt my feelings. Then I got very angry. She can’t accuse me of stealing her money!!! I shouted at Dez, “I DID NOT DO IT!” While we were talking, her brother came into the store and said, “Is this your money, Dez? It was on the kitchen table.” Her brother saw her money and gave it to her. Dez’s eyes opened wide!!! There was her money. She must have left it on the table when she hurried out the door. Dez said, “I’m so sorry, Jackie. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.” She felt very sorry that she yelled at me. I said, “Well, you accused me of stealing your money. That was not very nice.” When I was leaving the store my brother, Josh, walked up to us and said, “What’s going on?” Then Dez said, “I thought Jackie had stolen my money.” My brother said, “OK !!! Let’s get this problem solved.” He wanted us to be friends again. So I said it was ok I shouldn’t have yelled at Dez that hard. We made up and went back to the farm to play.
Hi Jackie, I liked reading your story rewrites. Everyone enjoys reading a story about friends and how they handle a misunderstanding, because we all have friends and we've all been in that kind of situation at one time or another. Since your story is about one time that you and Dez did not get along, I wonder if you could skip the first sentence? That sentence makes me think that you might argue a lot, but your story will be stronger if you just tell about this one time. You could start out by saying, "One day my friend Dez and I were playing at my farm when…." In paragraph two, you change tense when you say "She can't accuse me of stealing her money! All you have to do to fix this is to change it to, "I was angry and I thought, She can't accuse me of stealing her money!" This will make your story read better. In paragraph three you should say Dez's brother asked (instead of said). You can drop the next sentence that says, "Her brother saw her money and gave it to her," since we already know this. In the fourth paragraph, it would be great if you had Dez look at you sadly, or have trouble looking at you, or have her put her arm around you, or do something that shows the reader that Dez is truly sorry. When your brother walks up to you in paragraph five, he asks what is going on. Make sure you use the word ask, instead of said. It would be even more powerful and it would tell us more if your brother said something like, "You two have been friends for a long time. Don't let this get between you," or something like that that lets us know he knows how important your friendship is. Maybe then Dez can look sad or say something to you? I love the end of your story when you both make up. Friends know how important it is to forgive. I love it when you say, "We made up, and went back to the farm to play." Maybe you could add, "Cause that's what friends do!" I like it that you brought the end of the story back to the beginning and showed us that the problem is solved. You did a great job of opening with a problem and solving it at the end. I enjoyed reading your rewrites. You have worked so very hard. I can't wait to see what you will write next!
Warmest Wishes From Your Friend, |
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Patti Weeg May 3, 2003 |
Nov. 8, 2002
Date: Fri, 08 Nov 2002 12:59:49 -0500