Franklin
Dear Mrs. Lois, Hi! my name is Franklin my age is 9. I play football for the salvation Army my team is the Green Terrors (juniors).I want to right about my career in football the end.
your new friend,
Hi Franklin, It was so nice to hear from you. I am looking forward to writing a story together, and in coming to visit with you at the end of the year. I think it is wonderful that you play football for the Salvation Army. That is a great organization for you to play for. Guess what? I work at a McDaniel College, and our football team is called the Green Terror's too! I am happy that you will write about something you care about. When you do, it will come from your heart. Do you know what kind of story you will write? Will the main character in the story be you? What will happen in your story? I am looking forward to reading what you write. Have fun thinking about your story. I will be eagerly awaiting your next letter!
Warmest Wishes,
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 15:25:35 -0500 Hi Frank, I enjoyed looking over your story map! Here are some of my thoughts: Setting- Your setting is a good one. I can picture being in the woods at night, with the sounds of crickets chirping, leaves rustling, and shadows dancing on the forest floor. I imagine the moon filtering down through the trees and it makes me shiver. It seems a little spooky! I am looking forward to the story you will write in this setting! Characters - You have seven characters in your story. Too many can be hard to manage in a story, but you might need them all if it is a team. Maybe you can just focus on three or four main characters and just mention the others? Problem or Conflict - I wasn't sure what your problem is. Did you mean to say you scored 100? What is happening in the story? I had a feeling you were playing Paintball, because you said, "We won the war" and because your topic is "The U. S. Army." Is it paintball? Possible Solution- What did you mean by "We lost 12?" Do you mean 12 men? Ending - If you are talking about a Paintball war, ending with a win is a good way to end. You have a good start, but I am unsure of exactly what you are planning to do in the story. I am guessing about the Paintball war, so let me know if I am wrong! You have a good setting and a good bunch of characters. Write back soon and tell me the rest of your story map.
Your Friend,
The US 13 Dragway
I'm in Delmar at the dragstrip on Sunday. It is 11:00 morning in late June and the owner of U S 13 dragway is unlocking the gate. Seven people walk in the gate. Then the two cars come up to do their burn out. The drivers are wearing a helmet, gloves and a suit. The cars have big wheels in the back and skinny wheels in the front. The car on the right is red and white. And the left car is gold. The crowd is quiet before take off Then the cars go to the line so they can race. Then they wait until the light turns green. If they get a red light they lose the race. Next the drivers drive their cars back to their trailer. They go to lunch and the race stops for one hour. The race starts up again for the rest of the day. Now it's time for the motorcycle racing. Let me show you all the names of the bikes - a Honda, Yamaha and suzski. And then my uncle mary races a Honda at the dragstrip too .I race the same thing too.And my dad races a Suzuki. My brother races a yamaha. And my friends ride a dirt bike because and. Finally the race is over. Now we announce the winner. Then they get their trophy. then they go home. There was a fire from the jet limo smoke and a piece of paper caut on fire that made a big won because all the fire on the paper. Then the fireman come to put the fire out. They take the jet out off the track and the owenr is selling the jet limo today 1,000,000 Dollars. Because it starts fires and he does not want it he is going to sell it to me. Now I just one all the round 1and 10 I am the 5 year champion for the Motor cycle Dragster.
Hi Franklin, Thank you for sending your story for me to read. I liked learning about racing, but I wondered what a burn out is? Maybe you could write the answer in your story, so other readers will know, too. The most exciting part of your story was at the end, when the jet limo caught on fire. It was scary, and it made me feel like I was there. I would like it if your story was about the fire. Could your story start with the fire? It would grab your readers' attention and make us want to read more if you wrote something like, "I was at the drag strip in Delmar on Sunday when I saw…." And then you told about the fire. Could you write more about how you felt when you saw that fire? Were you scared? Did you think it might blow up? Were ashes blowing on the wind, toward you? What did the people in the crowd do when the fire started? Did you hear sirens when the firemen came? Did it take long to put the fire out? Did the crowd calm down when they saw that the fire was under control? At the end of the story, when you buy the jet limo, how do you feel? Does someone tell you that they can fix it so it will be safe for you? Does your dad, or brother, or friend smile at you, or say they will help you fix it up again? I like the end of your story, because you get a surprise, and the reader gets a surprise, too! I will look forward to hearing more about the drag races, and especially the fire. Write back soon!
Your Friend,
The US 13 Dragway
The flames got bigger and higher. The crowd stood to look at the the fire on the raceway. Maurice’s car went out of control because the bolt on his wheel was loose. As the wheel began to wobble he lost control of his car. He knew that Frank was on his right side. He didn’t want to hit Frank’s car so he swerved, got a red light and hit the wall. His car started braking apart and flames appeared as the engine blew up! There was a fire from the car’s smoke. It was too hot and caught on fire. The crowd went wild! This is very serious. I felt scared because my dad was racing. Then the fireman came to put the fire out. It all began at 11o’clock in the morning in late June after the owner of U S 13 dragway in Delmar unlocked the gate. Seven people walked in the gate and went to the stands. Then the two cars came up to do their burn out. My dad and his friend, Maurice, were in those two cars. They were wearing a helmet, gloves and a suit. Their cars have big wheels in the back and skinny wheels in the front. The car on the right was red and white and belonged to Maurice. My dad was driving the gold car on the left. The crowd was quiet before take off. Then the cars went to the line so they could begin the race when the light turned green. The light turned green and they jetted from the starting line. At first my dad was in the the lead but then Maurice pulled out in front of him. Suddenly Maurice’s car hit the wall and he knew the race was over for him. He got a red light. His car was burned and he could not drive it off the track. He felt sad his car was destroyed but he was happy that he was alive. Frank drove his car back to their trailer. He took Maurice. They went to lunch and Maurice talked about how he was going to get his other Mustang from his grandmother’s house. He said he would have to put a new engine in that car but then he could race it. The race stopped for one hour while everyone ate lunch. After lunch the races started up again for the rest of the day. It was then time for the motorcycle racing. Two at a time they lined up and they raced straight for one mile. When the light turned green the drivers started. When the light turned red the drivers lost the race. Some of the motorcycles in the race were a Honda, Yamaha and Suzski. My Uncle Maury raced a Honda at the dragstrip too. I raced the same motorcycle. My brother raced on his Yamaha. We lined up at the Start line. I was first in line. The engines were fired up and the race began. I was in the lead the whole time and got to all my gears. I won the race against my Uncle Maury and my brother! The winners from all the rounds went to the trophy room and then they went home to celebrate. We had Pepsi and pizza and everybody was happy.
Hi Franklin, I enjoyed reading your story rewrite. You have done a great job and made a lot of changes. I am proud of how hard you have worked on your story! Your first paragraph (called the lead paragraph) is wonderful! The accident is scary, so right from the start you have made me feel like this is an important story, and I want to read more! I have a few questions: In the first paragraph, isn't the bolt called a lug nut? Also, I bet all of them were loose, and not just one. I might be wrong, because I don't know a whole lot about race cars, but just in case, I thought I would ask. My other question is about the red light. You say, "When the light turns red, the driver's lost the race." Where is the red light? How do they know which driver has lost the race when the light is red? These might be silly questions for you, but for someone who knows little about racing it is important. In the first paragraph, the word braking should be spelled breaking. Also in that paragraph, you can drop the sentence, "It was too hot and caught on fire," since we already know this from the sentence before. In the second paragraph, I loved the word "jetted". You picked a great verb to describe the way the cars took off. Wow! That adds to the excitement of your story. Super! In paragraph three, could you say, "His car had burned and he could not drive it off the track."? It just sounds less awkard. In paragraph four. I would like it if you told us right away that you are going to race in the motorcycle races. This makes me more interested in what is going to happen next, because you are an important part of the story. You might want to move the line about the light turning red, so that we know what this means when you talk about it in paragraph three. In the last paragraph, you don't need to tell us about the types of motorcycles that are in the race. I would start that paragraph with, "We lined up at the Start line." That makes me want to find out what is going to happen to you in the race! I love the way you end the story. You might want to add a last line that is something like this, "What started out as a scary day had ended as a great day! This will bring the reader right back to the beginning of the story. A story should be like a circle, always bringing us back and reminding us of how it began. I am learning a lot about racing from you, Franklin! I will look forward to hearing from you again!
Warmest Wishes from Your Friend, |
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Patti Weeg May 3, 2003 |
Nov. 8, 2002
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002 16:12:59 -0500