Writing a Rough Draft

My best friend and I went to the beach to swim. We played with a beach ball near the water. The ball rolled towards the water and a wave took it out into the ocean. We each ate a hot dog and ice cream while we sat on our beach blanket on the sand. We saw a lot of seagulls flying in the sky. They would fly down to us and try to get some of our fries.

We brought our dog to swim with us. She enjoys swimming in the water. My friend and I decided to go for a swim after we got tired of sitting on the beach. We walked out into the ocean and it felt warm and bubbly on our legs. We were having fun jumping up and down in the waves. A strong wave knocked her down and she almost drowned. My dog swam out into the water and pulled my friend out by her bathing suit straps.

The lifeguard said that my dog was very brave. He also told my friend not to go out so far in the water because the waves were high. It was a scary time but it is also a day that I will always remember when my friend and I went to the beach to swim.

Suggestions for Dejontrice's Draft:

Dejontrice-

Your story just gets better and better! Here are a couple of suggestions that might help improve it even more. Tell us what your friend's name is so you don't have to keep calling her "my friend". Also, some dialogue would help make things more fun. Like, for instance, what would you and your friend say to those pesky seagulls when they tried to get your frenchfries? How about telling us the name of your dog too. Giving your characters names helps us to get to know them better as we read your story. I LOVE the word you chose "bubbly" to describe the way the waves felt on your legs. That is a PERFECT word! Basically, you have a very nice beginning, middle and end to your story. What you need to do now is add as many good details as you can come up with to help us to picture your story. You're doing wonderful work - keep going!

Sarah