Dustin
11/14/05 Dear Mrs. Szymanski, Hi my name is Dustin . I am 9 years old. My favorite book is WWE Unscripted. My favorite sport is pro NFL football or WWE Wrestling. My favorite NFL team is the Pittsburgh Steelers, and my favorite wrestler is Goldburg until he got fired. I don’t like reading, but I like writing. I think my story should be about football.
Your Friend,
November 28, 2005 Hi Dustin, I am happy to meet you through email. I hope to meet you in person at the end of the school year. It sounds like you are a true football fan. I don't know a lot about football, but I do know that the Pittsburg Steelers are a good team. I haven't been keeping track. How are they doing this year? It has to be better than the Ravens. The Ravens have been playing awful this year! What do you like the most about wrestling? It looks like those guys are having fun tossing each other around! I think they do it for the fun more than for the fight. What do you think? I am happy to hear that you like to write. I bet you would like to read, too, if you found books about things that interest you. I bet that's why you liked reading WWE Unscripted. Have you read books about football players or wrestlers, or boys who like football? It is going to be fun writing a story with you. I think writing a story about football is a good idea because it is something you love and something that know a lot about. Writing about what you know and love always makes the best kind of story! Do you know what your storyline will be? Your storyline is what happens in the story. Will it be about a boy who is on a football team, or maybe it will be about a boy who likes to go to NFL games with his dad and his friends? Whatever you decide, I know that we will make it fun, and you will end up with a story that you'll remember forever!
Your friend,
January 22, 2006 Hi Dustin, I like your story map! I bet football players do get upset when one or two players get to see the action. That makes this a good story idea, one that other players will understand and want to read. Your setting is good, too. In the summer the Ravens have their training camp in my town. It is hot in August, and when I am watching them on the field it makes me think of how hard it must be to play in all that heat. Your characters will be hot and sweaty, making them feel even more agitated. Your summer setting will help you develop your story idea. Your solution to switch players will work, but only if they play well. Your characters will have to prove themselves to the team and their coach to feel good about the switch. As you plan your plot, think about specific things the players could say to each other. What kind of things will make them angry? What kind of words will make things better? A good way to start planning your plot is to play the What-if game. It's a game I play when I am planning my own stories. Ask yourself a bunch of questions to figure out what would make the story the best it can be. Ask questions like, what if S.Moss and WR start dropping balls? What if Troy and Ed see them fumble and get even angrier? What if the coach says no the first time they ask him to switch players? How will Troy and Ed convince him to give them a chance? I know you can think of better other What if questions, because you know a lot more about football. Think about which what if question will make your story the best. Then, start to write! I can't believe it is already time to write your first draft! I will be waiting to see what happens in your football story.
Your Friend,
The Football FightsBy Dustin"Hey, do you know what we are going to do today?" asked Willie Parker. Big Ben looked at Coach Cowher too because he really wanted to know what plays they were going to do today. Coach Cowher opened his playbook where he had all of his plays and said, "We are going to do hitting drills and regular practice and the fumble drill." "I think that is a good plan," added Big Ben. Willie shook his head because he thought it was a good plan too. Just then the coach, Big Ben and Willie looked up in the parking lot and saw Troy P., Ed Reed, Randy Moss, Santana Moss, Hines Ward, and Jerome Bettis arrive for practice. Coach Cowher, Big Ben and Willie looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Coach Cowher shook his head. "I bet Troy P. and Ed Reed are going to fight if we do the regular practice so why don't we do that last if that is all right with you guys," suggested Coach Cowher. "Sure, that is all right with the both of us," answered Big Ben and Willie Parker. Coach Cowher replied, "We better change the way the practice was planned, so we will put regular practice last. We have always had a fist fight." We started practicing and Troy P. and Ed Reed started to fight. Well things were not looking good at this practice even though the coach tried something different. "Ok, huddle up," the coach said. "Troy P. and Ed Reed I hope you have settled all of your problems," the coach mumbled. "Well, we did very little today," said Troy P. "We are about ¼ over the fighting." We started off with the fumble drill and then we did hitting drills and last we did the regular practice because we did not want practice to begin with fighting. Come to find out they started to fight because Randy Moss and Santana Moss started to catch all of the footballs that were thrown to them. Troy P. and Ed Reed talked to the coach and asked if they could switch people and the coach said they could. After they switched, Troy P. and Ed Reed started to make them fumble the balls and they started to intercept the footballs and run them back for a touchdown. Everyone felt very happy and strong. Finally the season started after the hot summer practice. The Steelers ended up with an 11-5 record. The Steelers won the wild card spot against Cincinnati Bengals 31-17. Then they faced the Indianapolis Colts and won 21-18. Then they went to play for the divisional championship against Denver Broncos and they won 31-17. Then 2 weeks after that the big day came - Super Bowl XL. Big Ben hurt his ankle but he still played in the Super Bowl. The Steelers faced the Seattle Seahawks and they won 21-10. Coach Cowher was so happy. Hines Ward won MVP. On the interview Coach Cowher said "We went out there and played our heart out that is why we won the Lombardi trophy. They will be Super Bowl champs for at least 1 year.
Hi Dustin, I liked reading your first draft. Your opening is super! You open in the middle of the action with your characters speaking and that is the best way to do it! I like the way you use body language in the third paragraph to tell us how the players feel. When they roll their eyes we know just how they feel. When Coach Cowher shakes his head we also know how he feels. This is great! In the next paragraph you should change the sentence to say Troy P. and Ed Reed will fight, instead of, are going to fight. The way you have it written is called passive language. Saying will, makes it active language, making the story more lively. Farther down, when you say "We started practicing…" your story switches to first person, as if you are the one telling the story. Make sure you keep it in third person, like someone else is telling the story. Change that line to say, "As soon as practice began, Troy P. and Ed Reed started to fight." When Troy P. says, "we are about ¼ way over the fighting," it sounds strange. Maybe you could just show they are still angry at each other. Each time the time or scene changes, or someone new speaks you need to start a new paragraph. Split the last paragraph, starting a new paragraph with, "Two weeks after that, the big day came." Start another new paragraph with, "On the interview…" I like the way you ended your story! The team's hard work paid off! Good job! I can't wait to see your rewrite! I hope you are enjoying these Beautiful warm spring days!
Your Friend,
The Football FightsBy Dustin"Hey, do you know what we are going to do today?" asked Willie Parker. Big Ben looked at Coach Cowher too because he really wanted to know what plays they were going to do today. Coach Cowher opened his playbook where he had all of his plays and said, "We are going to do hitting drills and regular practice and the fumble drill." "I think that is a good plan," added Big Ben. Willie shook his head because he thought it was a good plan too. Just then the coach, Big Ben and Willie looked up in the parking lot and saw Troy P., Ed Reed, Randy Moss, Santana Moss, Hines Ward, and Jerome Bettis arrive for practice. Coach Cowher, Big Ben and Willie looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Coach Cowher shook his head. "I bet Troy P. and Ed Reed will fight if we do the regular practice so why don't we do that last if that is all right with you guys," suggested Coach Cowher. "Sure, that is all right with the both of us," answered Big Ben and Willie Parker. As soon as practice began, Troy P. and Ed Reed started to fight. Well, things were not looking good at this practice even though the coach tried something different. "Ok, huddle up," the coach said. "Troy P. and Ed Reed, I hope you have settled all of your problems," the coach said firmly. "Well, we did very little today," said Ed Reed. "What?! I did a lot of work I don't know about you," said Troy P. They went at it again. Big Ben, Willie Parker and the coach looked up at each other and shook their heads in disbelief. We started off with the fumble drill and then we did hitting drills and last we did the regular practice because we did not want practice to begin with fighting. Come to find out they started to fight because Randy Moss and Santana Moss started to catch all of the footballs that were thrown to them. Troy P. and Ed Reed asked the coach, "Can switch strong safety and corner back to see if we get better at the positions?" The coach agreed, "Sure you can try it out." After they switched, Troy P. and Ed Reed started to make Randy Moss and S. Moss fumble the footballs and they started to intercept the footballs and run them back for a touchdown. Everyone felt very happy and strong. Finally the season started after the hot summer practice. The Steelers ended up with an 11-5 record. The Steelers won the wild card spot against Cincinnati Bengals 31-17. Then they faced the Indianapolis Colts and won 21-18. They went to play for the divisional championship against Denver Broncos and they won 31-17. Two weeks after that the big day came - Super Bowl XL. Big Ben hurt his ankle but he still played in the Super Bowl. The Steelers faced the Seattle Seahawks and they won 21-10. Coach Cowher was so happy. Hines Ward won MVP. During the postgame interview Coach Cowher said, "We went out there and played our heart out that is why we won the Lombardi trophy." The Steelers will be Super Bowl champs for at least one year and then they will have to prove again that they are the best.
Hi Dustin, Wow! You wrote a super story! I only have one litle fix, a word you need to add on the second page. You will see it on the attached copy. I love the way your characters talk to each other in the story, making me feel like I am there. I also liked how the coach handled things. It is very hard to write about so many characters and keep them straight and do a good job, but you did it, and you did it well! I am proud to have watched your story grow. I can't wait to see you on May 22nd! It has been a lot of fun working with you this year.
Your Friend, |
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