Caroline
Dear Mrs. Szymanski, I’m Caroline. I like reading books about animals and adventures. I like to write in sentences or paragraphs and fill in the blank. I like to write about what has happened to me. I love sports and games. My favorite book is The Swiss Family Robinson. My story was about a boat that was sunken and the family was trapped on an island but they found trees. The roots were above the ground. The trees grew figs. The family saw rivers and caves also gold mines. They saw a boat and some stayed on the island. The rest of them sailed off the island. THE END. A story that I would write about is my dog Buddy.
Your friend,
November 11, 2004 Hi Caroline, I enjoyed reading your letter and learning more about the things you like best. "The Swiss Family Robinson" is a wonderful classic book. It sounds like you remember all the parts, too. Good for you!
I bet your dog Buddy does a lot of fun things you could write about! Do you know what you will write yet? It is okay to mix true things with made up things when you write your story. I usually start with someone I know, but then I make up things to make the story more fun! Most stories start with a problem. When you start reading, you find out that something is wrong, or someone needs help. By the end of the story the problem is solved. The reader keeps reading to find out how the problem will be fixed! Maybe you could think of a problem for Buddy? I am looking forward to finding out more about Buddy's story! Write back soon!
Warmest Wishes,
December 7, 2004 I like your story web. Your plot is very good. It's a very original idea for a story, and I like that! You have put in a lot of thought and detail. I can tell you worked hard. The setting is great. I hope, when you write the story you will describe what it looks like. Is the dog pen in your back yard, or your front yard, or on the side of the house? Is it chain link fence, or cattle wire, or a board fence with wire inside? Are there bushes around the fence, or is it easy to see the dogs from the window of the house? The problem is an excellent one. It's scary and will make the reader want to read more right away! It makes me want to read more! It will be good if you open your story in the middle of the action. I like where you wrote, "Dad! Save my baby!" That would be a perfect first line to your story! When you write your story, don't forget to describe what Buddy and Lucky look like. We'll have to know so we don't get the dogs mixed up when we read the story. When Lucky attacks Buddy and chases him, is it just in play? I hope so. It would not be good if he is really hurting Buddy. I bet they just fight like sisters and brothers! Your solution is excellent, too. Maybe you could end with a scene where you are helping your dad patch the fence, or a scene where you are washing Buddy's scrapes and putting medicine on him, or hugging him. I am excited about your story and I can't wait to read what you write! You are off to an excellent start!
Your Friend,
BUDDY’S CAUGHT!!By Caroline“Arrffffff, Arrfffffff!!!!” “Is that Buddy?” I wondered. I was sitting on the front porch playing GameBoy by myself. Suddenly I heard pitiful yelps coming from my dog in the backyard. I started running to his cage because I saw his head sticking out the wire mesh. His cage is made of wiring that has holes in it. Buddy gets his claws into the wiring and tears it. This time he tore a hole big enough that he could stick his head through but he could not get his body through. I opened the cage and hurried outside to help him he was stuck. I screamed, “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I was thinking, “I don’t know what to do.” “Poor Buddy,” I said softly. He was still there and his feet were in the air. He was wiggling and yelping some more. “Ahh… ahh… ahh… ahhhh…” he cried trying to get out. I tried pulling and tugging Buddy but nothing worked. I found out that when I did that he could not breathe. I stopped and gave him some water and some dog chow. I really wanted to cheer him up and make him feel better. I had to think of a plan. Next, I went to my dad’s shed and took his pliers and put on some gloves. It was not long after that my dad got home from work. He was wondering what I was doing. “What’s wrong???” My dad shouted across the yard. “You won’t believe it.” I said. I did not tell him the whole story because he would be mad that I took his tools from the shed. I really didn’t have to use them after all. By the time I got back to Buddy, my dad was in the driveway. He had arrived home from work. I wanted to solve this problem on my own. Before my dad got there my sister’s dog, Lucky, was getting mad at Buddy because he did not get any dog chow. So Lucky started to fight for the kibble with Buddy who got so excited and jumped through the fence. I could not believe it. Once he got out of the cage/fence he looked free but also terrible. He had blood scrapes down his neck. After he had a good scrub down he was ready for a nice long nap. He never tried to squeeze through again.
January 20, 2005 Hi Caroline, Thank you for sending me your first draft. Your opening is wonderful! You opened in the middle of the problem and with the dog barking! That's perfect! I liked that you screamed, "AAAHHHHHHH!" and you told what you were thinking. It made me feel like I was a part of the story, worrying alongside you. I wondered why you opened he cage if Buddy was stuck on the outside of the cage? When you are trying to get Buddy out of the wire, could you describe how he feels when you touch him, and how he looks at you? I'm glad you offered him water. Usually dogs that are frightened do not eat or drink, so I bet he didn't touch it! I don't think you need the paragraph telling how Lucky chased Buddy to get the dog chow. It is a little bit confusing. Or maybe you could move it to the beginning of the story to make it less confusing? You solved the problem at the end of the story and that is good. Maybe you could end the story with you getting Buddy out of the fence. I would like to see you as a hero, and see Buddy licking you on the face and wiggling with happiness, or maybe you could be wiping off his cuts, which aren't very bad after all, or maybe Lucky and Buddy put their heads together through the hole and make up. No matter how you do it, it would be neat to end with the dogs and you. You are the hero in the story and I really like that! I love your first draft. I can tell you worked hard, putting in dialog, description, and thoughts. It was fun to read, and I will be looking forward to reading your story as it grows!
Your Friend,
BUDDY’S CAUGHT!!By Caroline"Arrffffff, Arrfffffff!!!!" "Is that Buddy?" I wondered. I was sitting on the front porch playing GameBoy by myself. Suddenly I heard pitiful yelps coming from my dog in the backyard. We keep our dogs, Buddy and Lucky, in a fenced area in the backyard. When I heard yelping I started running to the pen. When I got there, Buddy's head was sticking out the wire mesh. His cage is made of wiring that has holes in it. Buddy gets his claws into the wiring and tears it. This time he tore a hole in the door of the cage. The hole was big enough that he could stick his head through but he could not get his body through. I hurried outside and opened the cage door. I hope that maybe his head would slide out if I gently tugged a little. I tired but I stopped because this was not working and I could see that Buddy was scared when his yelps got louder. Buddy's heart was pounding fast, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It was scary for me too. I was worried about my dog. I screamed, "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was thinking, "I don't know what to do." "Poor Buddy," I said softly. He was still trapped and his feet were in the air. He was wiggling and yelping some more. "Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhhh," he cried, trying to get out. I tried pulling and tugging Buddy but nothing worked. I found out that when I did that he could not breathe. I stopped and gave him some water and some dog chow. He was not very interested in food but he wanted some water. I really wanted to cheer him up and make him feel better. I had to think of a plan. Next, I went to my dad's shed and took his pliers and put on some gloves. It was not long after that my dad got home from work. He was wondering what I was doing. I was not allowed to touch his tools. "What's wrong?" My dad shouted across the yard. "You won't believe it," I said. I did not tell him the whole story because he would be mad that I took his tools from the shed. I wanted to solve this problem on my own. As it turned out I really didn't have to use them after all. While I was in the shed, my sister' dog, Lucky, went to eat Buddy' food. He saw the dog chow I had to put near Buddy and he wanted it. Lucky was jealous because he did not get any dog chow. Lucky started to get mad and fight for the Kibble. Buddy got so excited and jumped through the fence. I could not believe it. Once he got out of the cage he looked free but also terrible. He had blood scrapes down his neck. After he had a good scrub down he was ready for a nice long nap. He never tried to squeeze through again. He only tries to squeeze through if there is a cat around.
Hi Caroline, I love the title of your story, and the two first paragraphs are wonderful, too! I can tell you’ve been working hard on your story! I like the way you open with the dog barking, and then with your thoughts. It drew me right into the story and made me want to know what was happening to your dog. I like the way you show us your setting in the 3rd paragraph. I can picture you sitting on the porch with your Gameboy. You do a great job with description and I enjoyed the story as it progressed, but I think you do need more paragraph breaks. You might want to make a new paragraph when you begin talking about your dogs. Make that new paragraph starting with the line “We keep our dogs, Buddy and Lucky in a….” Then, start another paragraph with the sentence, “I hurried outside and opened the cage door. Make another paragraph with, “Buddy’s heart was pounding fast…” That sentence is wonderful. It shows us that Buddy is afraid without telling us. We can see it by how he is acting. Wonderful! I love the way you mixed dialog and thoughts with action. It draws the reader into the story and keeps us there! When you write, “Poor Buddy,” I felt myself melt. Maybe you could touch his head, or rub his chin through the wire when you say that? You don’t have to say, “I really wanted to cheer him up and make him feel better. You can take that sentence out because we already know that is how you feel. You have done such a great job showing us through your feelings and words that you don’t have to tell us. Also, I love the line, “I had to think of a plan.” That’s a great sentence. It is good that you are trying to solve the problem on your own. That always makes a story better. I like it that “Buddy got so excited he jumped through the fence.” Make a new paragraph starting with, “Once he got out of the cage Buddy was free, but he looked terrible. Maybe you could describe how you scrubbed him down? I’d enjoy reading a description of how you cleaned his bloody scrapes. I know that will be a good scene because I know how much you love your dog, Buddy. I like your ending a lot. But the last line might be stronger if instead of saying he only tries to squeeze through when a cat is around, you ask, “I wonder what he would do if a cat came around?” This is a great story. You have worked so hard, Caroline. I am proud to watch your story grow!
Hugs from your friend,
Buddy's Caught!!By Caroline"Arrffffff, Arrfffffff!!!!" "Is that Buddy?" I wondered. I was sitting on the front porch playing GameBoy by myself. Suddenly I heard pitiful yelps coming from my dog in the backyard. We keep our dogs, Buddy and Lucky, in a fenced area in the backyard. When I heard yelping I started running to the pen. When I got there, Buddy's head was sticking out the wire mesh. His cage is made of wiring that has holes in it. Buddy gets his claws into the wiring and tears it. This time he tore a hole in the door of the cage. The hole was big enough that he could stick his head through but he could not get his body through. I hurried outside and opened the cage door. I hope that maybe his head would slide out if I gently tugged a little. I tried but I stopped because this was not working and I could see that Buddy was scared when his yelps got louder. Buddy's heart was pounding fast, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It was scary for me too. I was worried about my dog. I screamed, "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was thinking, "I don't know what to do." "Poor Buddy," I said softly as I patted his head. He was still trapped and his feet were in the air. He was wiggling and yelping some more. "Ahh… ahh… ahh… ahhhh…" he cried trying to get out. I tried pulling and tugging Buddy but nothing worked. I found out that when I did that he could not breathe. I stopped and gave him some water and some dog chow. He was not very interested in food but he wanted some water. I had to think of a plan. Next, I went to my dad's shed and took his pliers and put on some gloves. It was not long after that my dad got home from work. He was wondering what I was doing. I was not allowed to touch his tools. "What's wrong???" My dad shouted across the yard. "You won't believe it." I said. I did not tell him the whole story because he would be mad that I took his tools from the shed. I wanted to solve this problem on my own. As it turned out I really didn't have to use them after all. While I was in the shed, my sister's dog, Lucky, went to eat Buddy's food. He saw the dog chow I had to put near Buddy and he wanted it. Lucky was jealous because he did not get any dog chow. Lucky started to get mad and fight for the Kibble. Buddy got so excited and jumped through the fence. I could not believe it. Once he got out of the cage he looked free but also terrible. He had blood scrapes down his neck. I scrubbed him hard and long with a scrub brush. It was hard to clean around his neck because he kept trying to get away. He didn't like his bath. After he had a good scrub down he was ready for a nice long nap. He never tried to squeeze through again. I wonder if he would try to get out if a cat came around?
Hi Caroline, Wow! You did a great job on your final draft. Right away, from the very first line I am drawn into your story. You made it suspenseful from the start! There is just one little thing you need to change. In paragraph 5 you need to change the work hope to hoped. You hoped his head would slide out. I was teary eyed when I ready the part where you talked to Buddy soothingly and patted his head! I felt like I was in the story with you. I hope you are proud of your story and that you found out that writing is fun! I am extremely proud of the hard work you did and of your wonderful story. You have done a fantastic job!
Warmest Wishes from your Friend, |
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Patti Weeg May 21, 2005 |
November 8, 2004
I am glad you like to read and write about animals and
adventures. Animals are my favorite topic, too. Cats and
horses are my favorites. I have three cats. There names
are K.C., Oliver, and Zachary. K. C. stands for Kitty Cat.
I will send you a picture of my cats.
