Bruce
Dear Miss Szymanski, I like to play football and basketball. I am 9 and my name is Bruce. Me and my brother play soccer once in a while. I want to write a story called I won a championship football game yesterday.
your friend,
Date: Fri, 08 Nov 2002 13:14:36 -0500 Hi Bruce, It is nice to hear from you! I always enjoy meeting a new friend. We are going to have a great time working together this year. Writing stories together is the best kind of fun! I like to watch football, Soccer and basetball, and I think it is neat that you like to play. I wish I could be good at sports, but I am not! I bet you are a really good player! I like to write stories about things that I wish would happen to me. Is that what you are doing when you write about winning a championship game? Or did your football team really win a championship game? That will make an exciting story! I will look forward to hearing from you and starting the story-writing process! I bet you will be thinking about the main character or characters in your story and what they will do to make the game and exciting story!
Warmest Wishes,
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 15:25:35 -0500 Hello Bruce, Thank you for sharing your story map! Here are some of my thoughts: Setting- Your setting is wonderful. I can close my eyes and feel like I am on the football field on a summer night. I can hear the crowds cheering and the coach's whistle blowing. I can smell the fresh cut grass and hear the horns blowing. Characters - I see that you have listed nine characters for your story. Sometimes too many can be hard to manage in a story, so you might want to pick two or three to be the main characters, the group of friends. You can mention the others and we can know they are there, but it may be confusing if you make all of them very important in your story. I guess you want to have a whole team, so you need many characters. Am I correct? Problem or Conflict - You've come up with a good problem. A player breaking his leg can be harmful to the game, especially if he is an important player. Not only will a team mate worry about his friend, he would also worry about the game. How did he break his leg. Did it happen before the game, or during the game? Is this story about winning the game, or about helping out a friend? Possible Solution- You have left this section blank. If your story is about winning the game, maybe you could have the player with the broken leg help out by telling the replacement player what to do? Or maybe there is a team mate who has always wanted to play in that position and he knows how to play. Now he will get his chance. What are some of the other things that could happen. If your story is about friendship, maybe the team could throw a big party for the player who broke his leg, so he doesn't feel left out of the team, or maybe friends and team mates can get together to visit him at home, or bring him a ball signed by the entire team. I bet you will come up with even better ideas of where your story could go. Ending - How will your story end? You have a good start, but you will have to think about your problem and solution a bit more. I know that it is sometimes hard to know where to take your story. It helps me to do two things. I like to do is to close my eyes and imagine that I am the character, I am in the setting, and I try to imagine what happens in the story. Sometimes the story comes to life in my mind like a movie, and gives me lots of ideas of how to write it! I also like to play the "What if?" game. I think of lots and lots of things that could happen in my story and I ask myself, "What if this happened, where would my story go?" I ask myself "What if this happened instead?" And I think about something else and where it would make my story go, until I find the best idea for my story. I'll be waiting to see what you decide!
Your Friend,
Champion football game
I started playing fotball when I was 7 years old. I played with my friends at the Delmar football field. Now I played with my friends in my neighborhood. We play where there's a lot of space. We are on a team for Delmar. The players are me, Frank, JJ, Quamaine, Delonte, Paul, Michael, Brian, Orlando, Neal, Nicholas. Our team is called Delmar Wild Cats. On a August night in 2003 on a Saturday we had our football championship game. We were playing the best team Laurel had. The team was called Bull Dogs. In the 1st quarter one of the best men on my team, the Wild Cats, Delonte hurt his arm when he ran down the field to make a touchdown, He came back in the third quarter . He started at the 5 yard at the 2nd quarter and made it and made it to the 20 yard line when he got there he got sacked by a man named Onix. When Delonte, got back in , in the 3rd quarter and he sacked Onix and then made a touchdown with a front flip. Right now the score is 38 to 20. We have 38 and they have 20. We're wining with our best men on the team right now. Brian ran down the field for 55 yards and made a very good touch down. Every time we make a touchdown we get 2 points. We have 10 cheerleaders on a team, actually every team has cheerleaders on their team. But the crowd can be louder than the cheerleaders. Some of our family members are there at our game watching us play our championship game. The cheerleaders cheer us on so we can win. It just became the 3rd quarter. The couch is talking to us about a new play. The play is called spike. Spike is a play where you keep on passing until you get to the touch down and than make a touch down. Ok the half time is over going on the 4th quarter. Every body is ready for the 4th quarter to beat them. Ok it's the 4th quarter now. We have to huddle up for a plan. The plan is called fake back. It is where u act like u will kick it but u pass when you kick the ball. And we do the play its working write now he made it at the 20 going on 30 made it to the touch, yes. We made the championship game every body is cheering. Are couch is surprised jumping up and down, Balloon are flying. We got fire works shooting out. And that is that is my story of the champion football game.
Hi Bruce, Thank you for sending me the first draft of your story. I liked reading about you and your friends, and one exciting football game! I especially liked the details and description at the end of your story. It made me feel like I was there. A good story always starts with a question, or problem, or something exciting that makes the reader want to read more. I wonder if you could start your story with the championship football game? If you did that, your readers would be excited right away, wondering if your team will win, and how you will make it happen. I would also love to see more details and description at the beginning of your story. Here are some questions I had. The answers might make your good story even better.
You have a great rough draft of your story. If you add a little description so the reader will know of the sights and sounds on the field, it will spice up your story even more. You could also add dialogue. Dialogue is when your characters speak in the story. It would be good to add lines like, "Oh no! How will we win the game without Delonte?" I will be looking forward to hearing from you. I bet your story will make readers feel like they are in the game with you!
Your Friend, |
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Patti Weeg March 22, 2003 |
November 8, 2002
